Everything You Wanted To Know About Justice, But Were Afraid To Ask... Part Deux

M.B.:  WHAT is your name ? WHAT is your quest ? WHAT is your favorite color ?

My name is Kim Justice, really, it is.  My quest is to live an authentic life, as an unintentional muse and provocateur, and to create lasting connections with the ones I love.  Red.

S.J.:  What is your history with the Purple Rose Society? We're local, yet somehow it seems you snub us. I've always wondered what happened to draw your disinterest.

I’ve attended one PRS class/play party.  And as you know, I was asked to present a class but unfortunately had to cancel due to a scheduling conflict. 

 

Are you viewing it as a snub because I don’t attend?  It’s just not my scene, but there are several reasons I don’t attend.  I am not usually interested in dungeon parties.  People are often paired up and why pay to use equipment when I can enjoy the play space in my home?  Leather events have a very different energy then kink events.  It’s just that I prefer leather events. 

B.R.:  I'm a novice but I want to explore the leather scene. How do I start?

Do a bit of research on basic protocols (common courtesy always serves one well too) then get yourself to an event!  If going to a large event like CLAW or IML seems to daunting at first, start small by going to a back patch club's bar night or local fundraiser.  Talk to the people you discover rapport with and doors will start opening.

D.C.:   Any thoughts on/comments in the area of BDSM, spirituality, energy, and peace?

I’m not into the “WOOOOOOO” flavor of BDSM where most kinky practices have to be somehow connected to all spirituality, but accepting the varied aspects of me is crucial to the way I function in life. 

Experiencing power exchange is massively rewarding; at the same time both energizing and grounding and experiencing the dominant/submissive dynamic provides a sense of harmony to daily life.

D.C.:  If memory serves, you used to have chastity in your list of fetishes on FL though now you don't. What was the original draw? (I'm always curious what the top/dom/key holder gets out of chastity) Why did you take it off? Was the draw not as keen as you'd originally thought? And all of that but you still list orgasm control...

I was mostly being approached by submissives who wanted to be in chastity, 100% of the time, which does not interest me at all.  And, I was being approached by men who want to be cuckolds only.  I believe some people are under the assumption, if you’re polyamorous and kinky, then you must be into (multi-partner, random) cuckolding.  I felt it was limiting the sorts of people who would contact me, so I removed it from my fetishes.  (My next blog has a cuckolding vein to it.)

 

I’ve never been a “key holder” but have at times directed a submissive to remain chaste for a period of up to three weeks.  As a dominant, I enjoy the elements of control and the knowledge that even though the submissive might want to touch themselves, they will not.  I also find the building of sexual energy to be erotic.  I ended their period of chastity because I wanted to share sexual intimacy and pleasure with them. 

For me, orgasm control is hot; never-ending chastity isn’t.  Why cut my nose off to spite my face??!?

 

J.E.:  I guess I'm kind of curious how often you've had things get to the edge or beyond your comfort level and how you recover from that.

In play or life?  In BDSM play, the majority of my experience is as a dominant, and the well being of the people I play with has always been of primary importance.  I can say As far as I’m aware of, I’ve never taken a play partner past their comfort levels.  I have had scenes, on the edge and at the request of the submissive, which have inspired me to explore and stretch my own comfort levels.  For those experiences, I’m thankful.  I’ve never had things go too far in a negative fashion. 

 

Have I had life circumstances get to the point of get “to the edge or beyond your comfort level”?  Of course!   I think if we’re living a successful life we’re exploring and being intentional about not falling into complacency.  I’ve recovered by processing each circumstance, being responsible for my role, and learning from the situation. 

 

E.J.:  Why are you so damn sexy? I love your photographs, what is your inspiration for some of your poses and "scenes"?

Thank you!  Sexy is in the mind of the seer, I believe.  All of my portraits, with the exception of the one taken by Jesse Fox, have been taken by Michael or self-portraits.  They have been low-tech, with basic cameras, and taken with what is simply in or around the house.  I’ve tried to be creative with what I have.

 

M.S.:  First, are you aware of anything in your childhood or teen years that influenced your interest in the lifestyle that you currently live?

My parents had a leather club chair when I was a child.  I remember being seated in it and feeling good.   I liked the way the leather felt to the touch and it's fragrance. 

 

I was also supported and encouraged to be an individual, to take the knowledge I was given on how to be a good person, and be a free-thinker and make my own choices.  My parents bought me cars, trucks, make-up, and dolls to play with.  On a similar note, I recently found my toy handcuffs while sorting through some old boxes in my parents basement.  Wonder Woman comics were kinky as hell and very dominant woman focused in the late 70's-early 80's.

In the early 1980’s music videos had subtle erotic overtones, and it was a Duran Duran video where I noticed brief silhouetted clips of female dominance and the use of chains to bind.  I found it intriguing.

M.S.:  Second, do you have any fetish that even some of your closest friends would think was a little bizarre? 

I don’t think so…. But, if you’re reading and I squicked you out with a fetish of mine, give me an e-mail!

M.S.2:  Do you play with women and non-bio boys?

Yes!  I believe I’ve played with every possible gender and sexuality combination possible on the Kinsey Scale. 

 

M.M.:  What do you enjoy most about living a Poly life?

The possibilities for uncommon love and strong relationships based in honesty, friendship, awareness, caring, respect, and passion; the freedom and happiness I experience as a polyamorous woman contributes greatly to my happiness.

A.W.:  Can I see you naked?

I always feel it’s better to conceal then to reveal while out and about (or on the internet).  But, if we find ourselves in the right place and time, you show me yours and I’ll show you mine. 

Still thirsty for more information?  Have an urgent, pressing, throbbing question?  

Send your question to iron_goddess@sbcglobal.net

The "F-Word", Vagina, & Penny Tration!

I'm gon’ testify here... This isn't in regard to any one person or instance, but if you know me well, you know it's one of the easiest ways to flip my trigger.
 
There is no part of my body which smells like fish.  I’m not a “fish”, nor am I “fishy”.  The only place I’ve experienced the regular use of this word is in the GLBT community, and have heard it used by both gay men and drag queens. 

  

I understand some of you might not have had direct experiences with one, but I’m here to tell you a healthy, clean vagina does not smell like fish.  (And guess what?  It doesn't taste like fish either!)

If there is a bacterial imbalance/infection present or if the natural PH levels in a woman’s body are elevated or lowered, a vagina can smell different than normal.Yes, our bodies have PH levels!  Who knew you’d get a health class today?  The vaginal pH fluctuates between 3.8 to 4.5 levels, slightly acidic. The normal, healthy vagina contains both good and bad bacteria. Normally, the healthy bacteria predominate and they keep the vaginal pH between 3.8 to 4.5 levels. High vaginal pH numbers indicate less acidity, while lower than normal vaginal pH levels indicate high acidity.

Regarding bacterial imbalances, many factors can contribute to the overgrowth of bad bacteria, including: pregnancy, menstruation cycle, improper hygiene during menstruation periods, stress, tight clothing, lingerie and lack of sleep. Other risk factors include a new sexual partner or multiple partners, use of antibiotics and more.  Also, if a woman has unprotected sex (with semen released in the vagina) and doesn't cleanse with water after, her body can pick up a more sea-like smell. If you know the circumstances, the fragrance is identifiable, but if you didn't know you would probably mistake it for “fishyness.”  It's the male and female which both contribute to these sex smells.

Be honest, it’s just between you and I…  How many of you have used this word in the past?
 
But to refer to women as “fish” or “fishy”, is derogatory and misogynistic.  And if you can't figure out why this might offend women, I'll provide a parallel.  To call a woman a fish is as derogatory and inaccurate as referring to a gay man as “poop” or “poopy”. Think about it.
 
I’ve heard this term often used by drag queens, entirely too often on RuPaul’s Drag Race.  I've loved RuPaul since the "Supermodel" days and watching his shows on Logo have been a guilty pleasure.  Unfortunately, Ru's opener to Untucked has become one snapper joke after another.  I'm almost ready to cease watching, because it has become so offensive.  The season opening episode of the Drag Race had the most "f-bombs" ever dropped on one episode, and I wonder if any of the people using it has ever stopped to consider the word.
 
In the latest episode, the derogatory words being discussed here were used over and over again.  One queen, CoCo Montrese, even sports a tacky home-made hat lettered with pink tape which says “FISH”.  Knowing what we all do about the sometimes harsh realities of life, I am surprised that an African-American gay man who is also a drag queen, would be so insensitive (or uninformed) that he would use such derogatory language toward another.  Educate yourself, Ms. Coco.  Hate isn’t humor.

I find it odd that drag queens/female impersonators would insult the ones they are impersonating: women.  Isn’t the saying, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”? 
 
I know one drag queen, a friend and a talented “people’s queen” would give me the “T” if I asked her.  I first met her at The Cabaret located above Below Zero Lounge in Cincinnati.  I always enjoy seeing her perform; she’s entertaining, looks great, and is just as loving and respectful to her audience as they are to her.

So, who did I call?  Penny Tration!

Lady:  "Grrrrrrrrrrrl... I wonder if you'd have the time to lend your opinions to my blog.  The questions I'd like your input in regard to is the noun "fish" or adjective “fishy" to define a woman or a feminine, “passable” drag queen."

Penny:  "Totally! For you?? Are you kidding me?? LOL ABSOLUTELY."

Lady:  "Speaking of the Race, how was your experience there?"

Penny:  "The race - my overall experience has been great. Filming was like boot camp for drag. It was much more physically demanding than I expected."

Lady:  "If you could have done anything differently in your time on the Race, what would it have been?"

Penny:  "I wouldn't do anything different other than maybe forget the rules and just do my thing. Seems the rules are less relevant than the outcome on this show."

Lady:  "Have you ever used the words "fish" or adjective "fishy" to define a woman or a passable, feminine, drag queen?  If yes, have you ever considered it to be derogatory?"

Penny:  "My quick answer is, I HATE THAT TERM! I think there is something inherently misogynistic about drag anyway and we have to tread very lightly around those topics. I think calling someone "fish" is just too offensive for my taste. I get what they're trying to say and it's supposed to be a compliment...but I doubt that it is."

Lady:  "Ever played "F-Marry-Kill"? Which of the contestants would you have "f'ed-married-or killed"?

Penny:  "LOL - I’ve never played that game. I can tell you that I made a life-long friend in Detox - she is amazin'."

SEX

There is a school of thought which suggests society shifted from matriarchy to patriarchy when men figured out they had a hand in conception.  Well, it really wasn’t a hand in the matter, but you get my point.

Etymologically, according to the OED, the word matriarchy is first attested in 1885, building on an earlier matriarch, formed in analogy to patriarch, already in use in the early 17th century

To be clear, I don’t feel that women are superior to men.  What I do hope for is equality in many realms, one of them being open sexual expression without negative judgment from peer and society. 

As a young woman, I was given the silent treatment for a month by my father; he had noticed a love bite on my neck, and he felt the cold shoulder would punish me.  My brother on the other hand, could bring girls home to have loud trysts with them; once during family dinner, headboard Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Banging away on the dining room wall.  Boys will be boys, you know.

Celts, which had settled all over Europe by 400BC, display a history that the power of women was reflected not only in myth and legend but in legal codes pertaining to marriage, divorce, property ownership, and the right to rule.  Neither virginity nor being chaste was a determining factor in her civil rights or her worth; it was enough to be a female member of society. 

Consider all the aeons which have passed and we find ourselves in 2013, where hymenoplasty (Hymenorrhaphy) or hymen reconstruction surgery can be purchased all over the globe for about $3000US, so women can continue to satisfy and placate men who believe only a virgin has worth and is worthy of loving. 

My mother needed a hysterectomy in the late 1980’s for medical purposes, even though her uterus has prolapsed by the point; she still needed a “permission slip” from my father before the Catholic doctor would operate.  Can you imagine the uproar if a man needed permission from his partner for a vasectomy?

Women in certain Middle Eastern societies and some Orthodox Jewish cultures are still considered chattel; chattel status is modified at times to only include sexual and reproductive rights that are owned by husbands.

More so than ever before, young women are overtly sexualized in the media, fashion, and in advertising.  In 2011, Prada used a 13 year old model in a sensual 80 second preview of their fall/winter collection and we’ve all been assaulted at some point with “Toddlers & Tiaras”.  Have you been shopping in a children’s clothing department lately?  The next time you’re in a convenient place to do so, make a visual comparison between the styling of boy’s and girl’s clothing.  I believe you’ll be surprised. 

Currently, in radio public service announcements before prom season, young women are encouraged to abstain from sex.  No mention of young men or a recommendation for men to refrain is ever made. 

So what are young women being shown and told?  To dress provocatively but also to remain chaste; isn’t that a mixed message?  Or, is everything ok as long as you’re a woman conforming to “traditional” male desires?

Here’s part of a dialog with a 27-year old straight male submissive from San Francisco who e-mailed me recently.

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:18 AM:  You really want me to share with you the thoughts I’ve been jacking off to while I was looking at your pictures?  Well it's going to sound silly if I tell you.

LadyJustice:   You brought it up, and I asked because I was curious.  I’m not seeking to judge and I most likely won’t be scandalized.

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:28 AM:  Well... Don't be offended please.  Just laugh.  I really want to massage your calves.  They look so nice.   I have jacked off twice to your pics so far.  The first time was imagining you covered in baby oil bending me over in front of a room full of people.  The second time was very soon after so I needed more to cum.  And I imagined you sucking a big black cock. To illustrate to me what a total woman you are and to humiliate me. Staring me in the eyes while you did so.

LadyJustice:  Well, I see….. LOL. You’ve cum twice already… since 11:45?

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:35 AM:  Yes!  I haven't a lot of discipline when I get caught up into a woman.  My only consoling thought is that I am not predatory.  I am driven my submissive compulsions. And thank God for that because I would not want to be a destructive horndog you know?

LadyJustice:  Ok, we’ve determined you’re a horndog.  What else do you like people to know about you?

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:35 AM:  I like cuddling too.  I like spending time with somebody I love.  Spiritually speaking, I need to be spending my time with a woman that is smart. It is very important to me to be with a woman that knows what makes her happy and isn't living a life filled with conflict or heavy drug dependency, anything like that.

Sexually speaking, I need discipline and I need to be locked up in a chastity device.  I need to be under a strong woman's control.  I like being a bit of a wolf.  You know how gay dudes can do the bear thing or whatever.  I would like to be a bit like that but you know.  Not gay. haha.  I guess I am turned on by being masculine but feeling slightly spent, in a feminine way. Like greased and sensual.  I dunno. Vulnerable.  I like the sides and back of my head to be buzzed up like they are right now too.  Like a butch thing I guess.

I also love your butt and your calves and your hair.  And your face.  I want to curl up to you tonight.  I'd be like a pathetic yippity dog next to you.  Whatever you wanted.

 

LadyJustice:  Thanks for sharing more.  Some interesting thoughts and… cuddling is good!  But, California is some distance away.  Are you ever in or relocating to Ohio?

trancemusic40 on 1/17/13 at 2:08 AM:  Well… you have a primary partner already?  I dunno.  Ohio.  I do want you though.  I want you terribly. Want to smell you.

LadyJustice:  Yes, as I shared earlier, I am polyamorous woman.  There are people in my life whom I love and who are not going anywhere.  Wait a minute…LOL… I thought you were fantasizing about sexual situations involving me and multiple men?

trancemusic40 on 1/17/13 at 2:13 AM;   I wouldn't give up my life to just be one of your guys.  I mean, what if your partner had a problem with me?  Where would I sleep?

The thought of being in a cuckold relationship with you as your primary partner is appealing.   Such is life though, I guess.

I’m not saying that trancemusic40 (not his exact screen name) is a bad guy, or that he’s ignorant.  Some of his comments scratched the intelligent surface and I believe from the way he words things, he’s a smart guy.  I’m wondering though if he’s ever fully considered his views on modern, dominant women who are sexually progressive and choose to define what works for them.  Even if it’s not necessarily what a man might traditionally idealize. 

I wonder if what he verbalized displayed genuine confusion about his own fantasies, or a disappointing, surprisingly common tendency for some modern men to still believe they can/should control a woman’s sexuality. 

Early on in the conversation he commented he wanted me covered in baby oil “bending him over" in front of a room full of people and then for me to fellate a “BBC” while I stare him in the face.  I don’t judge his fantasies; we all have them.  But when I attempted to guide the chat back to notions of reality in regards to knowing each other:  location, my needs, dynamic, etc… he is reminded I am in a relationship, but he “dunno”.  He says, “I wouldn't give up my life to just be one of your guys.”

It was ok for me to be with multiple unknown sexual partners when it came to his desires, but thoughts of entering into a polyamorous relationship, seemed to inspire an instant deal breaker.  He even went as far as to suggest it would be appealing for me to leave my loving relationships, to enter into a new relationship with him where he would be cuckolded.  His scenario = his control.  You might be surprised to learn this perspective is common with submissive men.  From what I have gathered over the years, it’s more natural for them to envision locking a dominant woman into a white picket fence fantasy, or to be perfectly content with cheating on their significant other with said dominant.  Yes, cheating is acceptable, but being with a woman involved with more than one man intimately isn’t. 

In unsolicited e-mails from heterosexual submissive males (and dominant males), I’ve been chastised for being polyamorous, and been accused of not being able to love.  Surely I am flawed and lacking because I cannot choose monogamy and enjoy sexual intimacy with just one. 

Individuals from GLBT and leather/BDSM, etc…subcultures can even view women like me in a negative, skewed fashion.  Once a dear friend and fantastic bootblack, Gabriel, sought to introduce another bootblack friend of his, “HJ” (who is a gay man) to me at an event; Gabriel made the introductions and commented he was surprised we had not made each other’s acquaintance yet.  “HJ’s” first words to me were, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, you’re the one that fucks all the hot guys.”

How does one respond to that politely during an introduction?  Poor Gabriel was mortified.  Goddess bless my Mexican-American homie, JC, for his quick witted reply of, “Only the hot Latin ones!!!!”

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret here. 

I’ve been sexually intimate with three men in the past year. 

That’s it…. just three.  There’s a picture of the three of them together on facebook.  You’ll have to figure that one out for yourselves though. 

Right now, I am involved in separate relationships with two amazing men whom I respect, love, and cherish…. just two.  (I’ll be writing more on polyamory soon.) 

The moral of this story?  Just because I am sexual, empowered, and independent thinking, it doesn’t mean I am a easy.  And, double standards suck.  It’s time to put the antiquated notions about men and women’s sexuality to bed. 

A Stranger in All Lands

The inspiration for the writing occurred after viewing a mostly harmless cartoon on a good friend’s facebook wall.  It was a comic which portrayed a woman unhappy and nagging at a man because of his body odor; which is a blatant stereotype I hate, the woman as constant nag.  Of course then, the “natural” answer as drawn and presented is the man wising up and becoming homosexual, pairing off with a new stud, and living happily ever after.

                                                                                     

As you know, being gay is a choice, at least that’s what conservative Christians want you to believe.  But, isn't the mentality of “ditch the bitch and make the switch” just as ignorant?

There’s another popular photo circulated online; in it, a group of people are holding a poster which says, “Bigotry wrapped in prayer is still bigotry.”  By the same token, wouldn't sexism, racism, and homo/hetero phobia wrapped in humor still be sexism, racism, and homo/hetero phobia? 

I wanted to comment; and carefully considered to how to make and contradictory perspective without offending a friend.  He’s gay, as are most of our mutual friends.   I posted one word ‘Typical.” to hopefully stir conversation.  The same friend and another responded with the similar thoughts that this was just humor and perhaps I needed one.

I was sure my friend meant nothing malicious when he posted the comic drawing.  Though seeing and hearing that sort of rhetoric from someone I’m close to hurt.  Perhaps you think feeling hurt was an overreaction, but things are bit different when you’re a stranger in all lands.  As some of you probably understand from experience, you are usually on defense, or prepared to be at the drop of a hat. 

People who are a minority in the community they live in have a very different daily experience.  There’s an easy comfort in majority, the feeling that others around you are of similar gender, race, creed, sexuality, etc… people don’t always have the luxury of that experience.  Some people don't have any community where they are a majority. 

German political scientist, Elisabeth Noelle-Neumann originally proposed the idea of the “Spiral of Silence” in 1974.  This theory refers to the tendency of people to remain silent when they feel their views are in opposition to the majority view on a subject; Noelle-Neumann’s theory largely relies on the idea that the opinion must have a distinct moral component (i.e.: sexuality, abortion, legalization of marijuana), no one will experience the Spiral of Silence while considering what movie to see on a Friday night.

I witness heterosexuals being hateful to homosexuals; homosexuals being just as hateful right back, and the majority at the ends of the Kinsey scale pissed off at bisexual men.

I've read about straight parents who've experienced difficulty in conceiving or adopting try to create more adversity for gay and lesbian couples who hope to raise or adopt children who desperately need a family.  The flip side of that coin is being sneeringly called a “breeder”, when the two gay men next to me have children and I don’t. 

Sometimes I can make it through a bar night or event where myself and the people I am closely with are not asked pointedly (without precursor or pleasantries) about our sexuality, relationship, or gender.  I've heard gay men who have certainly lived through much discrimination make racist comments about black men.  Some straight people assume I am HIV positive because I widely associate with gay men and some gay men have convinced themselves I must secretly have a penis, because I’m dominant and had sexual relationships with gay men. 

Can you imagine having to debate simple decisions like which public bathroom you should use when you are transgender?  I have friends which deal with this daily.  To wonder which space you’re most likely to blend into, to hopefully create no stir.  And knowing you’ll probably create some ripples, no matter your choice?

I am a queer, Pagan, dominant, polyamorous, six-foot tall, leatherwoman who has earned her Master’s cover.  I have found no place where I blend… at least for long. 

                                                                                                    

In kindergarten, I was the freakishly tall kid in the back row. 

In grade school, I was still freakishly sized… and with an overbite. 

In high school, I was the only woman learning in the welding shop class, during my art period, with hopes of doing metal sculpture. 

As a twenty-one year old woman, becoming a long-haul truck driver, then as twenty-four year old woman, first making my way into the leather community, the roads haven’t been smooth.  I didn't set out to have a hard way and be different, I just was.  My mother will verify this.  I also pierced all my fingertips with ornamental jean jacket pins at eight-years old, but that’s another story. 

As an adult woman, I've lived with two men; one straight, one gay, and been romantically involved with both.  Most of my family and friends are gay leathermen. Trust me; one doesn't blend with straight society making those lifestyle choices.

I've earned my Master’s cover at age thirty-six, but I’m still often asked, “What are you doing here?”  Both lesbian leatherwoman and gay leatherman, have said, “Why would you be at a (gay) leather event when you’re a woman?”  The answer is simply, this is the community in which I can most identify. If I refrain from attending leather events, because I am the gender minority, I lose my community, the opportunity for charitable outreach, and precious good times with family, friends, and lovers.

I've heard from more diverse mouths then I can count statements about “staying with your own kind”.  I’ll be damned if I can figure out exactly what my kind is.  Where is the queer, Pagan, dominant, polyamorous, six-foot tall, leatherwoman box?

And if I’d happen to find that exact niche would I want to be exclusively with people exactly like me?  It would get pretty boring to be stuck in a box with others exactly like us, wouldn't it?

A week or so after the comic was posted online; I began a private dialog with my friends.  I didn't want this to affect a friendship, so I shared more of my perspective.  They shared theirs, and both sides worked to better understand the other.  I also talked about the fact of how I feel I always have to be ready to deflect bullets, to help protect myself and the people I love.  As they have the best vantage points, the wound is always deepest from the people whom you are closest to. Very fortunately, our friendship is intact.

Consider always being out of your element, and what it's like to live (in as much grace as possible) daily in that fashion. For all which is said in today’s society about bullying, equality in civil rights, inclusion, and things “getting better”; often we don’t really see when we’re hateful to our own kind.

My wish for today is that people be kind and understanding to the people of this world who don't fit in boxes.

Like me, and many others. 

I don't know what life would be like without the people I love who have recognized kindred in a stranger.   They are the tribe of family who see each other past the lines of race, gender, age, or sexuality; they are my family.   Blessedly, we can call each other our own.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Justice, But Were Afraid To Ask... Before.

I've had people ask if I would do this, so I thought, "Why not today?"  I'd like to thank everyone who sent questions; I appreciate your openness.  

I plan on answering all the questions which come my way, and here are the first five to come in!

Enjoy.

D.N.:  Have you ever thought of having a baby??

I have, more than once.  

The last time was when Michael has a vasectomy several years ago.  The time before was when a leatherman in my leather family asked if I’d consider having a child with him.  He proposed that he and his husband would raise the child, and I’d be Mom.  They are two wonderful men and both dear to my heart.  The leatherman’s hubby laughingly said he needed a new Bentley from his husband to cinch the deal.  I gave the proposition serious thought and still wonder what it could have been like from time to time. 

Biology is a funny thing, and at least once a month (ovulation and hormones can be a very loud whisper in my ear) I absolutely have the desire to procreate.  I love children, but our lives and lifestyles are not conducive to them.  Who knows what the future holds though? 

S.B.:  So when is the other Michael coming up to take me on a date? Hee hee

I asked if you were serious… twice… and you said you were.  So, here it is.  I would say don't count on him coming.  Sorry.

M.M.:  How many licks does it take to get to the center of your "tootsie pop"?

If you’re asking literally, just one; I mean its right there and certainly easy to find. 

Metaphorically, it doesn't take licking to get to the center of my tootsie pop.  It takes being a passionate, skilled kisser and sharing mutual respect, friendship, passion, connection, and chemistry.  Oh, and intelligence.  Then the tootsie might be yours.

P.G.:  Why do men tend to be turned off by me?  Some people say I am too aggressive. I don't seem to attract men to me.

This is a hard one for me to answer, as I don’t know you well and only surmising.  And, I’m not a man, but I’ll do my best.

I can say I have never been turned off by you and always found you to be friendly, attractive, energetic, and willing to connect. 

Attraction has to do with so many variables: aesthetics, communication, interest, and chemistry.  And, in gay society often times men want to seal the instant deal.  Perhaps, you've not been in places where all you have to offer can best be appreciated.  One man’s too aggressive can be another man’s Mr. Right. 

P.P.:  Dearest Justice, Would it be physically possible for you to reach orgasm exclusively via ass worship? Has this ever happened?

My first comment is what do you have in mind? 

If this is possible, for women, I believe it would have to do more with mentality over physicality.  Once, I had an orgasm while giving oral sex, but I have never had an orgasm from receiving ass worship only.  

I’d like to finish up with, what do you have in mind?  

Did you like this?  Keep the questions coming. ;)

A Reconstructed Heart

 How do you rebuild a heart in which several dwell? 

If you’ve ever renovated a house, while trying to keep the family home intact, you know how difficult it can be. 

When a monogamous relationship ends, one can lick their wounds and rebuild in the way that suits them and them alone.  As a polyamorous woman, I cannot do that.  I’ve discovered it’s a focused process of maintaining my own emotional health while still being emotionally available and loving to others. 

If you are monogamous, and if those above phrases made your head explode, you might want to stop reading.

My last formalized D/s relationship ended abruptly in July 2011. I have not spoken of it openly before now.  It was the last thing I had expected in a relationship that had been highly negotiated, with a submissive who worked diligently to be collared.  After nearly a year of 5 hour commutes, meeting in the middle at leather events in Columbus, endless hours spent on the telephone, working out queer sexuality, and with an earned collar, he moved to Ohio and in with Michael and I.   Most of the time life was good.  Sure, there were some bumps, and life wasn’t entirely smooth, but he was family. And, I don’t kick family to the curb when times get rough. 

After a job loss and a festive Pride weekend, we returned home.  Several days passed when a dear friend called me to ask if my submissive had spoken to me yet about how he was talking about moving back to Indiana to reclaim his old job.  At the time, he had not, and I was hurt by the fact he would not think to share with his dominant, friend, and lover.  But, to be fair, I waited a few days to give him time to process, then approached him about it.  He was disappointed that my friend shared this information with me, and couldn’t comprehend why I was hurt that he hadn’t felt that he could be direct with me.  We took a break in conversation.  When we resumed, he had removed his locked collar.  And just like that, our D/relationship was over.

I’ll let you in on a secret.  Dominants can hurt too.  We cry.  We bleed, and we even yearn. It might not be macho, but it’s true.

My heart isn’t a revolving door, neither is my bed, therefore I have always been very selective about who I hold close.

Michael and I were heartbroken to think of him leaving, as he had decided on his own he was doing so.  Between Michael and myself, many tears were shed, but he seemed incapable of understanding our sadness.  We helped him with some aspects of moving.  He left, resumed his old life, and in short time turned his back on my birth family, my entire leather family and us.  I found myself in a place of mourning not only the loss of a relationship, but also a loss of family.

I was processing this loss as a dominant as well: being stoic while out, but kicking myself for not seeing it coming, and wondering if I could have done something differently.   For a long time I shouldered responsibility. At times, I distrusted my own judgment.

I was also dealing with feelings of shame.  I was ashamed that my submissive would come to think so little of a collar that it was removed with less thought than a used condom. 

I know how tight knit our community is, so I only spoke to two close friends about the loss; I didn’t want people to judge him too harshly, or shun him, so he could still have a place in the community if he wanted one.  

For better or worse, for many reasons I was dealing with my emotions mostly on my own.  I knew Michael was mulling his own feelings and it was important to me for him to experience his own without feeling as if he had to care for me.  I was also dealing with guilt of my failed relationship bringing strife and pain into Michael’s life.

One day, I realized I was only looking back at the relationship and all that transpired; therefore was blind to the future. I’ve never lived my life in that manner and I wasn’t going to begin to do so at thirty-eight.  I did fully open up to Michael in time, unedited.  He listened without judgment. Speaking of Michael, what a rock.  I am beyond fortunate to have such a present, loving partner.

I never had trust issues in regard to relationships, but I did now.  At times, I am fearful of being hurt so deeply again.  I recognize my feelings, but also know I won’t let this experience rule them. 

I was a year taking time to heal and the two of us; well, refiguring life with just the two of us.  If you’re wired like we are, there are so many aspects of life that are missed when you shift back to two.  When well meaning monogamous people would offer condolences, they’d say, “Well, you still have Michael.”  When I would respond, “Thank you.  But, you can’t substitute one loved one for another.”  They didn’t understand.

I have profiles on a few kink networking sites, and receive much daily e-mail from people seeking to connect.  A few are articulate and caring, most only talk to me like a fetish object created to please them.

In the spring of 2012, I sent a casual message to a man who had the most precious photo of himself in a dog cage on his profile. It inspired me to connect, if only to compliment.

He is a little more than a decade younger than me.   A musician and writer, and as I came to learn, mature, open, intelligent, multi-faceted, and creative with a sharp wit. 

We began small talking about area events, music, writing; it was always a pleasure to receive his messages.   He always wrote to me like I was a human, not a fetish object.  We casually texted, then spoke once on the phone, and then texted some more.

It was the July 3^rd, we had been invited to a pool party for the Fourth of July and out-of-the-blue I got the strong, quick notion to invite him.   After some dialog, he accepted and the plan was to have him come to the house to meet then ride to the party together. 

In the past, I had fairly regimented process in which I met with people from the Internet; sharing e-mail, then moving to at least a month of chat via yahoo, to the phone, then a drink or coffee.  What I had decided felt right, and I rationalized if highly negotiated relationships like my past D/s one could fail, that anything was possible.  I decided to abandon my notions in regard to protocol of “what works”.  And, I began to trust in my instincts again. 

I recognize now how brave this was for both of us and I am thankful we took a chance. 

Sometimes, I become fearful of the dreaded heartache.  But, I choose to never live in fear.  I know we all have histories, fears, dreams, and hopes that bring us to this place in time.  I have reclaimed my own heart, made it stronger, and it’s able to hold more love than before.  

Looking back, we’ve spent most weekends together since July and at this point; I am fully open to him, without regrets.  He has found a place in this resilient heart of mine.  I’ve come to cherish the time-shared and find myself looking forward to next time.  I miss his company and countenance when he’s not around.  Last weekend with him, flew by so quickly. Holding each other close in bed, Sunday morning seemed to manifest like a mutual surprise. You know time spent is sweet, when it dissolves as quickly as a sugar cube in Absinthe. 

I don’t know what the future brings, but there is one thing I know. 

What good is a rebuilt heart that is kept vacant out of fear?

Don't Check My Box... For Once, This Isn't Innuendo.

We’re renegades, right?  Living on the edge in “polite” society; celebrating our sexuality in everything from secret basement dungeons to large lobbies in convention sized hotels.  The way we strive to live and love embodies the spirit of freedom and empowered choice. 

Why then do we find ourselves blindly wandering into the pitfall of over defining our relationships?  If indeed we are truly free and consent and choice are almighty, why isn’t choosing each other enough? 

For years now, it had been my preference when I am engaging in S&M play to make my play partner hold on to equipment rather than to restrain them so they ‘had to’ remain in place.  I connected the visual of choosing to remain in place to be a hyper-erotic demonstration of choice.  I’ve been engaging more in bondage lately, which has been über hot, but a whole other tale. 

I’ve never been a fan of the traditional notions of marriage, but I’ve formally collared a submissive.  What could be more ‘traditional’ in our community?  Even thinking on it as I write, I’m still more titillated by the idea of someone wearing my locked collar than a gold wedding ring.  But aren’t they similar concepts from different worlds? 

When it all comes down to it, the couple that seeks legal marriage, the dominant and submissive that enter into a collared relationship, the top that gets off on a pronounced display of submission, or the bottom that feels most at peace in bondage; the emotional commonality in all these scenarios is security.

There is a well trafficked kink website which offers the ability for users to use a drop down menu to add varying relationships; lover, toy, dominant, in a leather family, in a rope clan, owner, daddy, sister, brat, keyholder, girl, boy, pet, trainee, slave, sadist, mistress, etc…. and some utilize this function to add the people they are connected with and define them with most of these descriptors.  While I think some of these identifiers help us more easily recognize the compatibility of a potential partner in crime, I have come to believe this ultimately does a disservice by teaching people into a notion all relationships have to be highly classified.  

I also believe those of us who are dominant in D/s lifestyles might have a more difficult time floating with the ebb and flow of relationship tides.  After all, we're supposed to be the guide and know what's happening now and two steps into the future at all times.  Usually, that's our nature which serves us well.  We can shape a scene.  We can also invest in tomorrow, but we can't really shape tomorrow.

Being very specific is also a by-product healthy polyamorous relationships, and I feel this is a basically a positive way of being.  In our home, all matters of love and sex are discussed clearly as possible.  Potentials are outlined, feelings and thoughts are gathered, and futures are mused upon.  But within all the methods of being concise, sorting, and all the definition boxes one can check online, I’ve discovered living in the moment is sometimes lost.

In bed yesterday after some sublimely pleasurable BDSM play and intimacy, resting forehead to forehead with someone for whom I care deeply,  I experienced the moment of peace, happiness, and comfort where you want to exhale aloud.  

And I did.

With my intake of breath, I started to think, “This feels so good.  What are we?  What is next?” but made a conscious decision to stop musing about a story that has not been written. Feeling the person next to me nuzzle and contentedly sigh, it reaffirmed the present was the best place to be. 

I’ve learned to be wary of squinting into the sun looking toward a shimmering tomorrow, as I will be blinded.  And if you want to check the boxes on the kink site, I’m Lady Justice:  dominant-Master-bosslady-owner-sadist-Goddess-lover-whatever, etc., etc., etc.  If that makes you happy, that’s fine, but I’m at a point in my evolution, where I have realized (with help, thank you to you-know-who), I want to be just Kim; and exploring loving, nurturing, kinky, relationships without classifying what we are, other than invested in each other.