The Powerless Dominant

No matter the issue a dominant and their loved one face, feeling powerless is a struggle.

Someone very special recently referred to me as a Valkyrie, who has bravely charged a path to a future he had only dreamed of.

But, what is a Valkyrie, to do when her hands are bound?  Of course we struggle.

This has been one of my major life's lessons this year.

As good dominants or Masters, we've trained ourselves to observe, listen, care for, guide, nourish, and ask questions of our loved ones and partners to educate ourselves in regard to their needs, wants, and experiences.

We communicate.

We support unconditionally.

We want to heal what ails and make it all better.

We fix problems.

We nurture and soothe.

We touch.

We transcend.

We work magic with both flesh and spirit.

But we can't do these things alone and we can't force someone to share in a certain solution if they are not yet ready or willing. Because as a dominant/Master with integrity we don't "force' people and we respect boundaries.

Sometimes all we can do is say, "I'm here and I care", and while that might be all that's needed or wanted at the time, it just never feels like enough, does it?

Living, Dying, & The Shape of My Heart

I had no idea I’d be dying somewhat slowly but surely on a rainy Monday March morning. 

In 2010, at the age of 37, I was closer to death than many get that are lucky enough to make the trip back from the abyss.

I wasn't feeling too great the week before, but that weekend had been judging at a leather contest weekend in Indiana.  Because you know, leather never sleeps.  I was fortunate to share the weekend and general frivolities with a good number of my leather family and we were making the most of the time, as we do. 

Returning home on Sunday, I didn’t feel great and I attributed it to being away, drinking too much alcohol, eating differently… you know, a leather weekend.  I told myself I would feel better after some rest in my own bed.  But when I woke up Monday, I felt worse.  I’m not an alarmist so I knew some bed rest world help me feel better.  On a trip out of bed to get some water, I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen.  Something was very wrong, and at that point primal instinct of “get back to a safe place in bed” was all I knew. 

After a somewhat dismissive and disoriented conversation with Michael where I asked him to go to the drugstore and talk to the pharmacist for an easy fix, he knew something was wrong and came home from work.  I’m lucky he did, as he’s one of people who saved my life that day. 

Twelve hours later after much medical ado and morphine, I was told by personnel that I was going to emergency surgery in fifteen minutes.  They also told me if I made it through my life might not be the same again. 

Twelve hours earlier, the pain I felt was my intestine rupturing.  I hope you heard some of the amusing rumors which went around after word of my surgery and hospitalization got out.  If only it was some exotic anal intrusion… sigh.  The source of this situation was nothing more glamorous then non-diagnosed and asymptomatic diverticulitis.  At least that’s what they tell me. 

Michael was by my side the entire time.  I had not wanted to worry my birth family; I thought I’d be in and out.  But when I heard fifteen minutes, the only thing on my mind was making sure I made the most of the time to reassure the ones I loved the most that I did. 

I shared what I thought were my last words to Michael while a phone was being located for me to make a few calls. 

I quickly took stock; no regrets but wishes for more time with the ones I loved, even though I lived a full life.  I didn't think of money, possessions, loans, obligations, or banking.  All I could feel was pain in my body, and in my mind,  intense sadness at the thought of no more time with loved ones.  Up to this point in my life, I feel I had lived in a loving fashion and had appreciated those who mattered to me.  But it didn't feel like enough.  I hadn't loved enough. 

I made calls to two people, explained quickly why I was calling, spilled tears, and told them in no uncertain terms how much I loved them.  But it didn't seem like enough.  Did they know the depth of feeling I had for them?  Had I expressed myself thoroughly up to the point of my death?  And was my feeling for them great enough for them to hold after I was gone?

I completed my calls and spent the rest of my time looking at Michael; doing my best to communicate all I felt in what I thought were my last words ever to him.  By that point we had been together over a decade, and had forged our own unconventional, but happy way the side by side.  We had celebrated little moments and big moments alike, and shared everything.  I always had been communicative, and had told him I love him every day.  But it wasn’t enough.

Before I was to be wheeled to surgery, I asked him for the lipstick from my purse, because I wasn't meeting my demise without it.  Live a femme, die a femme.  He gave it to me; he’s a good man.

When one is dying, the brain releases dimethlyltryptamine, the chemical in the body which causes us to dream.  Between dreamtime chemicals, pain, morphine, and raw emotion, I was feeling a bit “floaty”.  Factoring all those things which could dull the mind, coming as close to death as I had solidified this crystal clear ideal.  The most important truth in this life was love, and the most valuable legacy we can leave is our loved ones. 

I was pleasantly surprised to wake up after the four hour surgery.  Total joy was short lived when I discovered how much tubing and how many machines I was connected to.  Combine mechanics, physical duress, two collapsed lungs as a result of surgery and healing time; those things lead to a five day total state of being incapacitated.  My mind seldom rested.  I set myself little goals to make it through painful hours and morphine nightmares; in between I considered my relationships with loved ones.  There are no words to describe the sense of opportunity I felt when I felt I might have a little more time. 

After a week in the hospital, losing a foot of colon, gaining twenty-six surgical staples, and three weeks spent in total bed rest at home, I was very much looking forward to living and loving again.  You should have been there when I asked my elderly surgeon with his attending student doctor if I was still able to have anal sex.  The elder stammered his answer, the young doc just smiled… widely.

This experience was one of major ones which formed the shape of my heart.  My heart, it has a few dents and patches, aches with loss, and at times feels held together by a promise alone.  Other times it beats strongly, with blood and passion flowing through little reservation, and loving well past its four chambered capacity.  It’s not perfect, but it’s mine.

Friend, family, or lover, if I tell you I love you, believe it… I have thought long and hard on the nature of love and my part in it.  I damn well mean it.  It’s been a journey to death and back to tell you.

I won't face death one more time and wonder, "Did I love enough?" I didn't survive to let love pass me by because I was too blind to see it.  If you made it past my defenses to the four rooms of my beating heart, I will love you as unconditionally as possible and with all my being.

Don’t be afraid to love.  Be afraid not to.

If you want to call me a foolish romantic, you can.

Or, if you want to call me crazy, you can as well. 

But, the shape of my heart is mine and I own it.  Its condition has been earned by use:  time and trial, joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain; she’s got some mileage but runs well. 

Want a ride?

She's Here In A Man's Bar

This small piece  was written for last week's launch of e.Gay Magazine.  

http://www.calameo.com/read/002670361b3dbbdcb387e?authid=2SWfp8S6ZZiI&view=book

It does my heart well to see the community outpouring of support for transgender men, but I have to say I wonder when the same level of support will be behind the women who have earned a place in the leather community.

***

The lone, and potentially uncomfortable, woman you take a moment to say hello at a bar night to could be the next woman to make a huge impact in the leather community.

I’m not talking about the obnoxious groups of bachelorettes which occasionally pop into the bars, and just so you know, leather women aren’t fans of them either.  I’m referring to the woman quietly observing, taking everything in, and hoping someone makes eye contact with her. 

Please don’t be tempted to shun her because of her gender, or even to ridicule her based upon it.  You could probably put money on the fact she would have your back if someone made a homophobic slur or tried to bash you leaving the bar tonight. 

All a man needs to be accepted with open arms into the leather realm is a penis and a reasonably fair attitude.  You recognize I’m being kind here; all you really need is a penis.  But a woman needs to be brave, unafraid of work, dedicated, resilient, and able to hold her own… without a penis.

She might not be able to be served at the bar, have a place to empty her bladder, or afforded the same courtesy as the men there.  She might be ignored totally or verbally abused; I am not yet sure which is best for what she hopes to accomplish.

She might not own any leather yet, but look carefully and try to see her for who she is and for the leatherwoman she could become. 

All she wants is to be able to learn your ways, contribute as she can, earn a place to stand shoulder to shoulder with you, and hopefully be accepted for who she is. 

She’s here in a man’s bar because she feels this is her tribe; she’s on a journey with no map to find her way home… and wondering if she will find a locked door when she arrives.

While I don’t know the exact stories of all leatherwomen, I know this is the common story of people whom are minorities in some fashion.

I know the road is easier with people who love and accept us.  I’d like to say thank you to those loved ones, friends and family, who have made my journey what it is and I am sure these women feel the same.  

No matter if you are a leatherman or a leatherwoman, we all want the same things.  Freedom of expression and sexuality, equal rights, a space to call home, love, a cure for HIV, happiness, stability, peace, and to get our freak on with the ones we choose. 

I wonder if we can do those things together without sex being the almighty divider.

Love and Leather,

Lady Justice

Everything You Wanted To Know About Justice, But Were Afraid To Ask... Part Deux

M.B.:  WHAT is your name ? WHAT is your quest ? WHAT is your favorite color ?

My name is Kim Justice, really, it is.  My quest is to live an authentic life, as an unintentional muse and provocateur, and to create lasting connections with the ones I love.  Red.

S.J.:  What is your history with the Purple Rose Society? We're local, yet somehow it seems you snub us. I've always wondered what happened to draw your disinterest.

I’ve attended one PRS class/play party.  And as you know, I was asked to present a class but unfortunately had to cancel due to a scheduling conflict. 

 

Are you viewing it as a snub because I don’t attend?  It’s just not my scene, but there are several reasons I don’t attend.  I am not usually interested in dungeon parties.  People are often paired up and why pay to use equipment when I can enjoy the play space in my home?  Leather events have a very different energy then kink events.  It’s just that I prefer leather events. 

B.R.:  I'm a novice but I want to explore the leather scene. How do I start?

Do a bit of research on basic protocols (common courtesy always serves one well too) then get yourself to an event!  If going to a large event like CLAW or IML seems to daunting at first, start small by going to a back patch club's bar night or local fundraiser.  Talk to the people you discover rapport with and doors will start opening.

D.C.:   Any thoughts on/comments in the area of BDSM, spirituality, energy, and peace?

I’m not into the “WOOOOOOO” flavor of BDSM where most kinky practices have to be somehow connected to all spirituality, but accepting the varied aspects of me is crucial to the way I function in life. 

Experiencing power exchange is massively rewarding; at the same time both energizing and grounding and experiencing the dominant/submissive dynamic provides a sense of harmony to daily life.

D.C.:  If memory serves, you used to have chastity in your list of fetishes on FL though now you don't. What was the original draw? (I'm always curious what the top/dom/key holder gets out of chastity) Why did you take it off? Was the draw not as keen as you'd originally thought? And all of that but you still list orgasm control...

I was mostly being approached by submissives who wanted to be in chastity, 100% of the time, which does not interest me at all.  And, I was being approached by men who want to be cuckolds only.  I believe some people are under the assumption, if you’re polyamorous and kinky, then you must be into (multi-partner, random) cuckolding.  I felt it was limiting the sorts of people who would contact me, so I removed it from my fetishes.  (My next blog has a cuckolding vein to it.)

 

I’ve never been a “key holder” but have at times directed a submissive to remain chaste for a period of up to three weeks.  As a dominant, I enjoy the elements of control and the knowledge that even though the submissive might want to touch themselves, they will not.  I also find the building of sexual energy to be erotic.  I ended their period of chastity because I wanted to share sexual intimacy and pleasure with them. 

For me, orgasm control is hot; never-ending chastity isn’t.  Why cut my nose off to spite my face??!?

 

J.E.:  I guess I'm kind of curious how often you've had things get to the edge or beyond your comfort level and how you recover from that.

In play or life?  In BDSM play, the majority of my experience is as a dominant, and the well being of the people I play with has always been of primary importance.  I can say As far as I’m aware of, I’ve never taken a play partner past their comfort levels.  I have had scenes, on the edge and at the request of the submissive, which have inspired me to explore and stretch my own comfort levels.  For those experiences, I’m thankful.  I’ve never had things go too far in a negative fashion. 

 

Have I had life circumstances get to the point of get “to the edge or beyond your comfort level”?  Of course!   I think if we’re living a successful life we’re exploring and being intentional about not falling into complacency.  I’ve recovered by processing each circumstance, being responsible for my role, and learning from the situation. 

 

E.J.:  Why are you so damn sexy? I love your photographs, what is your inspiration for some of your poses and "scenes"?

Thank you!  Sexy is in the mind of the seer, I believe.  All of my portraits, with the exception of the one taken by Jesse Fox, have been taken by Michael or self-portraits.  They have been low-tech, with basic cameras, and taken with what is simply in or around the house.  I’ve tried to be creative with what I have.

 

M.S.:  First, are you aware of anything in your childhood or teen years that influenced your interest in the lifestyle that you currently live?

My parents had a leather club chair when I was a child.  I remember being seated in it and feeling good.   I liked the way the leather felt to the touch and it's fragrance. 

 

I was also supported and encouraged to be an individual, to take the knowledge I was given on how to be a good person, and be a free-thinker and make my own choices.  My parents bought me cars, trucks, make-up, and dolls to play with.  On a similar note, I recently found my toy handcuffs while sorting through some old boxes in my parents basement.  Wonder Woman comics were kinky as hell and very dominant woman focused in the late 70's-early 80's.

In the early 1980’s music videos had subtle erotic overtones, and it was a Duran Duran video where I noticed brief silhouetted clips of female dominance and the use of chains to bind.  I found it intriguing.

M.S.:  Second, do you have any fetish that even some of your closest friends would think was a little bizarre? 

I don’t think so…. But, if you’re reading and I squicked you out with a fetish of mine, give me an e-mail!

M.S.2:  Do you play with women and non-bio boys?

Yes!  I believe I’ve played with every possible gender and sexuality combination possible on the Kinsey Scale. 

 

M.M.:  What do you enjoy most about living a Poly life?

The possibilities for uncommon love and strong relationships based in honesty, friendship, awareness, caring, respect, and passion; the freedom and happiness I experience as a polyamorous woman contributes greatly to my happiness.

A.W.:  Can I see you naked?

I always feel it’s better to conceal then to reveal while out and about (or on the internet).  But, if we find ourselves in the right place and time, you show me yours and I’ll show you mine. 

Still thirsty for more information?  Have an urgent, pressing, throbbing question?  

Send your question to iron_goddess@sbcglobal.net

The "F-Word", Vagina, & Penny Tration!

I'm gon’ testify here... This isn't in regard to any one person or instance, but if you know me well, you know it's one of the easiest ways to flip my trigger.
 
There is no part of my body which smells like fish.  I’m not a “fish”, nor am I “fishy”.  The only place I’ve experienced the regular use of this word is in the GLBT community, and have heard it used by both gay men and drag queens. 

  

I understand some of you might not have had direct experiences with one, but I’m here to tell you a healthy, clean vagina does not smell like fish.  (And guess what?  It doesn't taste like fish either!)

If there is a bacterial imbalance/infection present or if the natural PH levels in a woman’s body are elevated or lowered, a vagina can smell different than normal.Yes, our bodies have PH levels!  Who knew you’d get a health class today?  The vaginal pH fluctuates between 3.8 to 4.5 levels, slightly acidic. The normal, healthy vagina contains both good and bad bacteria. Normally, the healthy bacteria predominate and they keep the vaginal pH between 3.8 to 4.5 levels. High vaginal pH numbers indicate less acidity, while lower than normal vaginal pH levels indicate high acidity.

Regarding bacterial imbalances, many factors can contribute to the overgrowth of bad bacteria, including: pregnancy, menstruation cycle, improper hygiene during menstruation periods, stress, tight clothing, lingerie and lack of sleep. Other risk factors include a new sexual partner or multiple partners, use of antibiotics and more.  Also, if a woman has unprotected sex (with semen released in the vagina) and doesn't cleanse with water after, her body can pick up a more sea-like smell. If you know the circumstances, the fragrance is identifiable, but if you didn't know you would probably mistake it for “fishyness.”  It's the male and female which both contribute to these sex smells.

Be honest, it’s just between you and I…  How many of you have used this word in the past?
 
But to refer to women as “fish” or “fishy”, is derogatory and misogynistic.  And if you can't figure out why this might offend women, I'll provide a parallel.  To call a woman a fish is as derogatory and inaccurate as referring to a gay man as “poop” or “poopy”. Think about it.
 
I’ve heard this term often used by drag queens, entirely too often on RuPaul’s Drag Race.  I've loved RuPaul since the "Supermodel" days and watching his shows on Logo have been a guilty pleasure.  Unfortunately, Ru's opener to Untucked has become one snapper joke after another.  I'm almost ready to cease watching, because it has become so offensive.  The season opening episode of the Drag Race had the most "f-bombs" ever dropped on one episode, and I wonder if any of the people using it has ever stopped to consider the word.
 
In the latest episode, the derogatory words being discussed here were used over and over again.  One queen, CoCo Montrese, even sports a tacky home-made hat lettered with pink tape which says “FISH”.  Knowing what we all do about the sometimes harsh realities of life, I am surprised that an African-American gay man who is also a drag queen, would be so insensitive (or uninformed) that he would use such derogatory language toward another.  Educate yourself, Ms. Coco.  Hate isn’t humor.

I find it odd that drag queens/female impersonators would insult the ones they are impersonating: women.  Isn’t the saying, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”? 
 
I know one drag queen, a friend and a talented “people’s queen” would give me the “T” if I asked her.  I first met her at The Cabaret located above Below Zero Lounge in Cincinnati.  I always enjoy seeing her perform; she’s entertaining, looks great, and is just as loving and respectful to her audience as they are to her.

So, who did I call?  Penny Tration!

Lady:  "Grrrrrrrrrrrl... I wonder if you'd have the time to lend your opinions to my blog.  The questions I'd like your input in regard to is the noun "fish" or adjective “fishy" to define a woman or a feminine, “passable” drag queen."

Penny:  "Totally! For you?? Are you kidding me?? LOL ABSOLUTELY."

Lady:  "Speaking of the Race, how was your experience there?"

Penny:  "The race - my overall experience has been great. Filming was like boot camp for drag. It was much more physically demanding than I expected."

Lady:  "If you could have done anything differently in your time on the Race, what would it have been?"

Penny:  "I wouldn't do anything different other than maybe forget the rules and just do my thing. Seems the rules are less relevant than the outcome on this show."

Lady:  "Have you ever used the words "fish" or adjective "fishy" to define a woman or a passable, feminine, drag queen?  If yes, have you ever considered it to be derogatory?"

Penny:  "My quick answer is, I HATE THAT TERM! I think there is something inherently misogynistic about drag anyway and we have to tread very lightly around those topics. I think calling someone "fish" is just too offensive for my taste. I get what they're trying to say and it's supposed to be a compliment...but I doubt that it is."

Lady:  "Ever played "F-Marry-Kill"? Which of the contestants would you have "f'ed-married-or killed"?

Penny:  "LOL - I’ve never played that game. I can tell you that I made a life-long friend in Detox - she is amazin'."

SEX

There is a school of thought which suggests society shifted from matriarchy to patriarchy when men figured out they had a hand in conception.  Well, it really wasn’t a hand in the matter, but you get my point.

Etymologically, according to the OED, the word matriarchy is first attested in 1885, building on an earlier matriarch, formed in analogy to patriarch, already in use in the early 17th century

To be clear, I don’t feel that women are superior to men.  What I do hope for is equality in many realms, one of them being open sexual expression without negative judgment from peer and society. 

As a young woman, I was given the silent treatment for a month by my father; he had noticed a love bite on my neck, and he felt the cold shoulder would punish me.  My brother on the other hand, could bring girls home to have loud trysts with them; once during family dinner, headboard Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Banging away on the dining room wall.  Boys will be boys, you know.

Celts, which had settled all over Europe by 400BC, display a history that the power of women was reflected not only in myth and legend but in legal codes pertaining to marriage, divorce, property ownership, and the right to rule.  Neither virginity nor being chaste was a determining factor in her civil rights or her worth; it was enough to be a female member of society. 

Consider all the aeons which have passed and we find ourselves in 2013, where hymenoplasty (Hymenorrhaphy) or hymen reconstruction surgery can be purchased all over the globe for about $3000US, so women can continue to satisfy and placate men who believe only a virgin has worth and is worthy of loving. 

My mother needed a hysterectomy in the late 1980’s for medical purposes, even though her uterus has prolapsed by the point; she still needed a “permission slip” from my father before the Catholic doctor would operate.  Can you imagine the uproar if a man needed permission from his partner for a vasectomy?

Women in certain Middle Eastern societies and some Orthodox Jewish cultures are still considered chattel; chattel status is modified at times to only include sexual and reproductive rights that are owned by husbands.

More so than ever before, young women are overtly sexualized in the media, fashion, and in advertising.  In 2011, Prada used a 13 year old model in a sensual 80 second preview of their fall/winter collection and we’ve all been assaulted at some point with “Toddlers & Tiaras”.  Have you been shopping in a children’s clothing department lately?  The next time you’re in a convenient place to do so, make a visual comparison between the styling of boy’s and girl’s clothing.  I believe you’ll be surprised. 

Currently, in radio public service announcements before prom season, young women are encouraged to abstain from sex.  No mention of young men or a recommendation for men to refrain is ever made. 

So what are young women being shown and told?  To dress provocatively but also to remain chaste; isn’t that a mixed message?  Or, is everything ok as long as you’re a woman conforming to “traditional” male desires?

Here’s part of a dialog with a 27-year old straight male submissive from San Francisco who e-mailed me recently.

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:18 AM:  You really want me to share with you the thoughts I’ve been jacking off to while I was looking at your pictures?  Well it's going to sound silly if I tell you.

LadyJustice:   You brought it up, and I asked because I was curious.  I’m not seeking to judge and I most likely won’t be scandalized.

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:28 AM:  Well... Don't be offended please.  Just laugh.  I really want to massage your calves.  They look so nice.   I have jacked off twice to your pics so far.  The first time was imagining you covered in baby oil bending me over in front of a room full of people.  The second time was very soon after so I needed more to cum.  And I imagined you sucking a big black cock. To illustrate to me what a total woman you are and to humiliate me. Staring me in the eyes while you did so.

LadyJustice:  Well, I see….. LOL. You’ve cum twice already… since 11:45?

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:35 AM:  Yes!  I haven't a lot of discipline when I get caught up into a woman.  My only consoling thought is that I am not predatory.  I am driven my submissive compulsions. And thank God for that because I would not want to be a destructive horndog you know?

LadyJustice:  Ok, we’ve determined you’re a horndog.  What else do you like people to know about you?

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:35 AM:  I like cuddling too.  I like spending time with somebody I love.  Spiritually speaking, I need to be spending my time with a woman that is smart. It is very important to me to be with a woman that knows what makes her happy and isn't living a life filled with conflict or heavy drug dependency, anything like that.

Sexually speaking, I need discipline and I need to be locked up in a chastity device.  I need to be under a strong woman's control.  I like being a bit of a wolf.  You know how gay dudes can do the bear thing or whatever.  I would like to be a bit like that but you know.  Not gay. haha.  I guess I am turned on by being masculine but feeling slightly spent, in a feminine way. Like greased and sensual.  I dunno. Vulnerable.  I like the sides and back of my head to be buzzed up like they are right now too.  Like a butch thing I guess.

I also love your butt and your calves and your hair.  And your face.  I want to curl up to you tonight.  I'd be like a pathetic yippity dog next to you.  Whatever you wanted.

 

LadyJustice:  Thanks for sharing more.  Some interesting thoughts and… cuddling is good!  But, California is some distance away.  Are you ever in or relocating to Ohio?

trancemusic40 on 1/17/13 at 2:08 AM:  Well… you have a primary partner already?  I dunno.  Ohio.  I do want you though.  I want you terribly. Want to smell you.

LadyJustice:  Yes, as I shared earlier, I am polyamorous woman.  There are people in my life whom I love and who are not going anywhere.  Wait a minute…LOL… I thought you were fantasizing about sexual situations involving me and multiple men?

trancemusic40 on 1/17/13 at 2:13 AM;   I wouldn't give up my life to just be one of your guys.  I mean, what if your partner had a problem with me?  Where would I sleep?

The thought of being in a cuckold relationship with you as your primary partner is appealing.   Such is life though, I guess.

I’m not saying that trancemusic40 (not his exact screen name) is a bad guy, or that he’s ignorant.  Some of his comments scratched the intelligent surface and I believe from the way he words things, he’s a smart guy.  I’m wondering though if he’s ever fully considered his views on modern, dominant women who are sexually progressive and choose to define what works for them.  Even if it’s not necessarily what a man might traditionally idealize. 

I wonder if what he verbalized displayed genuine confusion about his own fantasies, or a disappointing, surprisingly common tendency for some modern men to still believe they can/should control a woman’s sexuality. 

Early on in the conversation he commented he wanted me covered in baby oil “bending him over" in front of a room full of people and then for me to fellate a “BBC” while I stare him in the face.  I don’t judge his fantasies; we all have them.  But when I attempted to guide the chat back to notions of reality in regards to knowing each other:  location, my needs, dynamic, etc… he is reminded I am in a relationship, but he “dunno”.  He says, “I wouldn't give up my life to just be one of your guys.”

It was ok for me to be with multiple unknown sexual partners when it came to his desires, but thoughts of entering into a polyamorous relationship, seemed to inspire an instant deal breaker.  He even went as far as to suggest it would be appealing for me to leave my loving relationships, to enter into a new relationship with him where he would be cuckolded.  His scenario = his control.  You might be surprised to learn this perspective is common with submissive men.  From what I have gathered over the years, it’s more natural for them to envision locking a dominant woman into a white picket fence fantasy, or to be perfectly content with cheating on their significant other with said dominant.  Yes, cheating is acceptable, but being with a woman involved with more than one man intimately isn’t. 

In unsolicited e-mails from heterosexual submissive males (and dominant males), I’ve been chastised for being polyamorous, and been accused of not being able to love.  Surely I am flawed and lacking because I cannot choose monogamy and enjoy sexual intimacy with just one. 

Individuals from GLBT and leather/BDSM, etc…subcultures can even view women like me in a negative, skewed fashion.  Once a dear friend and fantastic bootblack, Gabriel, sought to introduce another bootblack friend of his, “HJ” (who is a gay man) to me at an event; Gabriel made the introductions and commented he was surprised we had not made each other’s acquaintance yet.  “HJ’s” first words to me were, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, you’re the one that fucks all the hot guys.”

How does one respond to that politely during an introduction?  Poor Gabriel was mortified.  Goddess bless my Mexican-American homie, JC, for his quick witted reply of, “Only the hot Latin ones!!!!”

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret here. 

I’ve been sexually intimate with three men in the past year. 

That’s it…. just three.  There’s a picture of the three of them together on facebook.  You’ll have to figure that one out for yourselves though. 

Right now, I am involved in separate relationships with two amazing men whom I respect, love, and cherish…. just two.  (I’ll be writing more on polyamory soon.) 

The moral of this story?  Just because I am sexual, empowered, and independent thinking, it doesn’t mean I am a easy.  And, double standards suck.  It’s time to put the antiquated notions about men and women’s sexuality to bed.