16 Again

I had not heard the song for a long time. Yes…. to you I will admit it was it was a heavy metal hair ballad from the late 80’s. But, listening to it transported me over twenty years back, to the rear view mirror of a 1978 white Camero, kohl rimmed eyes meeting mine, and I was back in the driver’s set. Who am I kidding? I've never really left it.

I was 16 years old (still a virgin), empowered with the thrum of a V8 and new possibilities. I’m wearing my favorite outfit…tight black jeans, a leopard print Henley shirt, black leather knee high boots, and on top, my first black leather jacket. Perched between my red lips was an unlit Marlboro…because, well…. I was a bad ass. I didn’t smoke, but it seemed to go with the mood.

A mass of cassettes of next to me on the passenger’s seat; Madonna’s “Immaculate Collection”, Guns and Roses “Appetite for Destruction”, The Cure’s “Disintegration” and a few more…. I had purchased the cigarettes illegally the weekend before but I was on my way to make another purchase. This new item was going to go in a place of honor, the rear view mirror; because even then I knew it would be a powerful talisman.

The first place I stopped was a Spenser’s Gifts in the local mall. As all of you well remember, they had a large selection of love oils that we knew we’d love to use when we had the chance. If they had edible under wear, body paint, and strawberry flavored whipped cream, they’d have what I needed. Excited, I entered the store and began purposefully walking toward the gaudy display. Alas though, my prize was not to be found. I didn’t want flimsy, heart shaped, and weak plastic. What I needed was cold, durable and shiny silver handcuffs. They were the key to it all, I just knew it.

I forget where I finally found them, but they were MINE, and on the rear view they went until the day I knew they would be well used.

Could I have guessed what my life would be like over twenty years later? I don’t know if many of us could have at that tender age. But I set off into the sunset, evening light glinting off the fresh cuffs, into my future. And I haven’t looked back, until today.

I’ve always believed if you’re going to live…live RIGHT.

I’ve traveled, done a stint as a long-distance truck driver, had one of my metal sculptures shown in two major art museums, been involved in a high speed chase, lived with two men, had my image featured on tour with Duran Duran, dated a Mormon, performed civil unions, protested, almost died, been tongue kissed by gay leather daddies, brought men gleefully to their knees and on occasion drank men twice my size under the table.

I’ve loved and lost, and loved and lost, and loved, loved, loved and not regretted. I’ve broken boundaries, forged new bonds, and pissed people off because I’m too honest…or too dominant for a “woman’s own good”. I’ve become somewhat notorious, an avid gardener, a high-priestess, a writer. I’ve seen new life come into the world and I’ve seen loved ones depart before their time. I’ve earned my Master's cover in communities typically taboo for a woman but let my 6-yr old nephews ride me like a pony.

I’m a thirty eight year-old woman…at the beginning of my sexual peak (please note, boys: eat your Wheaties) and twenty-two years past freeing myself of the burden of virginity. But, lately I've been feeling sixteen again and wondering what other “cherries could be popped”… but this time with much better leather and handcuffs.

I’d love to hear your memories of your “awakening” or buying your first leather or …accoutrements.  If you’d like, please send some written thoughts, either detailed or brief, to me at iron_goddess@sbcglobal.net .