The first time I was in a gay bar it was 1996. I went with two friends to celebrate after
their union ceremony. It was a weekday
night in a small town gay bar; a more than a few drinks and celebratory toasts,
great conversation with people who were strangers, dancing as the night wore
on, and a gay average Joe coming on to me in the back room.
At the time, I didn’t think much about it.
Time passed; I ended my last vanilla romantic relationship
in 1998. That year was also the year
that Michael and I met and we attended our first bar night together in
September at Adams Street
in Akron, Ohio. My reputation as an experienced S&M top
became known fairly quickly (you know what they say about good tops) and even
though I was a woman, I was being actively pursued by leathermen for play. My dominance was also noted by submissives in
the scene, who were always willing to genuinely serve and be solicitous. I earned a little respect and became
permitted in the legendary red-lit back room, which was oft unlocked for me to
utilize on off-nights if someone was in the mood for some private play.
Not that this wasn’t without issue, there were often
comments made like, “Why will he play with you and not me?? I’m a man!”, and ripples began to form. One night the man who made comment, came and
stood next to me to spout off more of his vitriol. I responded to him that who I interacted with
was between them and me. He replied,
“But you’re a WOMAN! Why would they want
to play with YOU?!??” I kept my cool and
said, “I’m experienced.” He stomped his
foot and asserted, “Well so am I!” Still
cool, I shared with him my observation I felt that many gay men have abandoned
the art of seduction. He guffawed. I asked if he’d like me to prove my
point. He harrumphed then said, “What do
you mean?” I asked him to pick out the
hottest man in the bar. He pointed to a
handsome tattooed man with a sky blue Mohawk and matching eyes, and I excused
myself. Within 15 minutes my new friend was tasting my
cocktail … by sucking it off of my fingers and my tongue. We still know each other after all the years,
and still possess a unique sexual chemistry.
Beginning in 2006, I ventured into the regional leather
scene, and the world really opened up. I
visited events at too many bars to list.
The Eagle, Touché, and Jackhammer/The Hole in Chicago,
the 501 in Indianapolis, Boots in Kentucky, Exile and Tradewinds in Columbus … the list goes on. Almost without fail, at one point in every night
out, I would be engaged in conversation with an acquaintance and he’d lean in
closer and say in hushed tones…. “You know….. I like women too.”
The way his tone changed, and as quiet, intently, and
private as his words were spoken, I felt I could be receiving an act of confession. I realize now, I was.
This has happened to me more times then I can remember.
Most of us love to flirt, and I engage heartily as
well. Those that know me well know I am
respectful of the healthy sexuality of others.
Out of that respect, even though I am dominant, I wait for gay men (who
seem as if they might be curious) to make the first move past the point of casual
flirtation, friendship, or innuendo.
Over the years, there have been plenty of rumors: of me
“turning” gay men, having an agenda, secretly I have a penis (which is why gay
men “go there”), my super snatch will make you straight, and dating gay men
because they assume I am HIV positive. (Yes, it’s
been said by other gay men.) I’m not
here to change anyone and there have been times in my life I have felt like a
dirty little secret, which doesn’t feel as good as it might sound.
I identify as queer, because for me attraction, love,
gender, and sexuality do not fit in a tidy little box. I’m also not threatened by bisexuality or the
gorgeous, brash, overt sexuality of leathermen.
I’ve oft been called a leatherman in a woman’s body. For many years, I’ve been conscious of loving
someone for who they are and my lovers and consorts (and past collared
submissive) of recent times have all identified as gay men. Sometimes love finds you, even when you’re
not looking for it and, I don’t think any of us ever planned on loving (or
being smoking hot for) each other like we have.
But this writing isn’t all about me. I’m only half of the story. I’m setting the scene to talk about them.
The beautiful men who have enriched my life in a way that can’t ever be repaid;
perhaps in beginning this discussion I can help make tomorrow easier for
them.
Over the years in the Midwest,
I’ve heard snide, hateful, judgmental comments made to and about these brave
men who have been out in regard to their affection for me, a woman.
“I don’t get it…. What’s all THIS about?”
“What ARE you all?”
“Is he BI?”
“Ugh…he’s deluded, just confused.”
“He’ll change his tune if a real man shows him the way.”
“He’s trying to be straight.”
“Oh, the two men she’s with must just be together.”
“He must want to
settle and have children.”
“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…. You’re kissing a girl. Nasty.”
“He’s a … traitor.”
I’ve seen these gay men and bisexual men judged harshly in
both the straight and gay worlds. Once I
was asked to attend a BDSM function being held at a swinger’s club in Columbus. I found out, in the straight world, in sexual
domains such as swinger’s clubs, contact between gay/bi men is prohibited. I will not support discrimination toward
anyone based upon race, gender, sexuality, economic or HIV status, and told
them if/when the club changed their policy I’d visit.
Some times at leather events, we cannot share time in the
play spaces if we want to; my gender is often not welcome. My dominance and the fact that we have close
bond will be challenged in public places, only by the uninitiated. Little do they know, I won’t shrink from a
challenge and will always defend loved ones.
In all gay spaces, unless I’ve had enough cocktails to go
totally feral, I find myself over examining the contact I have with the men I
love, because they will be judged. I’ve
wanted to touch their hand, or dance closer, look at them a minute longer than
appropriate, kiss them; people don’t miss a thing when you’re the freaks in the
crowd. Over the past years I’ve even developed
a caring warning about how they might be perceived that I offer to them when
they express an interest in me which is more than friendship.
And, let me you…. it takes a giant pair of balls to be a gay
man in a gay bar holding hands and making out with the 6ft. tall, imposing
woman in a leather corset. Blending is impossibility.
One of most outspoken voices on sexuality and for equality,
Dan Savage, columnist and founder of the “It Gets Better” has made negative
comments over the years in his column in regard to bisexuals (I am not
referring to these gay men as bisexual, but kissing a woman is usually enough
to get a bisexual label slapped on you.)
What does it say to you
when the father of “It Gets Better” makes statements which imply you’re confused,
you’re in the closet, you need to choose and stop being greedy, and generally talks
shit about your kind?
So, if you’re odd in the straight world and odd in the gay world…where and how should you exist?
Recently, I asked for gay men who have experienced sexual
attraction to women to contact me if they’d be interested in lending their
voices to this endeavor. Without them,
and the men who have known me better than most, this writing would be
incomplete.
***
Race Bannon has been sexually intimate with women, in the
time before he came out as a gay man.
When asked if he’s “out” in the community about attraction to women, he says,
“When it comes to any bisexual tendencies I have, I'm open about it, but
generally am quite clear I identify as a gay man, not a bisexual man. For me,
someone who functions predominantly in one realm or another tends to be best
served by identifying with that realm. I think for most people they see
bisexuals as folks who can somewhat easily move between the realms. It tends to
take a special situation for me to do so.”
In his experience, he’s not been judged harshly by gale male
peers and he’s not seen negative stigma if other gay men are attracted to
women. Race summarizes his thoughts
with, “I feel that, at times, there are factions in our community that tend to
pressure the less flexible among us to be so. For example, there are many who
feel that mixed dungeon spaces are "superior" to separate dungeon
spaces. I think those folks are in the minority, but they can be extremely
vocal and often move within the inner sanctum of the more political/activist
types in our ranks. I feel this is one reason why a large number of gay men
have retreated somewhat from the pansexual groups and events in favor of gay
male only groups and events. My theory is that pansexuality, which started as a
movement/trend in the mid-80s with the founding of the National Leather
Association, swung to an extreme position until recently and, like all things
in nature, is now reaching equilibrium moving somewhere towards the middle.
This was inevitable, but many position this equilibrium as a moving backwards
in progress when it is actually not that at all. It's simply nature finding
balance.”
***
Monte Burns states, “I have had sex with several women. Most
before I came out, one 10 years after I came out. I don't hide my tendencies for liking women,
but I don't announce it either.”
“I am predominantly gay. I am attracted to women, but sex with them is not my
preference. I totally enjoy and prefer watching straight porn vs. gay porn and
I usually get my fantasy fulfillment there. I have met several women that I
probably could sleep with, but I am also in a relationship with a man right
now. He knows of my previous sexual partners and of my desires, but it is one
thing that is forbidden in our open relationship. He is afraid I will leave him
for a woman. So, to ease his fears, I don't really talk about it openly, but if
asked, I don't lie or hide it either.”
When asked about being judged by gay male peers, he says, “I am not afraid of
being judged harshly, although I know it happens. I learned a long time ago
that I need to make myself happy first--then, if I choose to--I make the rest
of the world happy with the things I do. So, if they judge me, they aren't
worth my time anyway. It actually pisses me off when people judge others. To
me, it's like when interracial couples became a mainstream happenstance. People
were appalled that a black person would even want to date a white person, but
love is love--and sex is sex.
Monte says he’s experienced stigma regarding gay men being
attracted to women. He comments.
“Absolutely, I am always dismayed that people would judge others for doing
things that make them happy, especially when the community as a whole is
constantly fighting to be accepted by the rest of the country for doing what
makes them happy. Don't be a hypocrite! If you want others to treat you like
you are a normal human with your tendencies that seem unnatural or not normal
to them, don't do the same thing to others within your own community.”
I ask him, what do you think of new terms like homoflexible and
heteroflexible? He said, “I think they
are words used because people have such a distaste in their mouth for the word
"bisexual". Before homosexuality was as accepted as it is, using the
term "bisexual" was a way to ease the tension of those thinking you
were purely "homosexual". People accepted that easier than they did
the alternative and labeled themselves that way even if they were homosexual. I
did it when I came out to my parents, told them I was bisexual to ease the blow
that their son was a fairy.”
He adds, “But, to my surprise, I do have bisexual
tendencies, so the joke is on me. Now back to the point...I think that people
attach a stigma to the word 'bisexual'.
On the same note, I think homoflexible is used to identify that one is
predominately homosexual, but will sleep with the opposite sex; and
heteroflexible is a person who is predominately straight, but will sleep with
the same sex. I don't currently use those words but I am not opposed to them.
To me they simply mean differently levels of bisexuality. I don't believe that
putting labels on people attached with ultimatums is correct -- You are gay,
straight, or bisexual!? Can't we just label everyone as ‘happy’?”
***
Bill in Chicago
dated women in Jr. High/High School/College.
He was engaged briefly, but no intercourse, but (has had) some SM/BD
play. The SM/BD play was well after
coming out, and that he would consider it again in the future.
He says, “My attraction to women is extremely particular
and kind of rare. I tend to like shorter, petite woman who are a bit
tough, yet still feminine. Brittany
Murphy was an example of someone who piqued my curiosity.
When asked if he’s “out” about his tendencies in the gay
community, he replies, “I've told a few friends about it, but I don't
usually advertise the fact.” But says,
“Most people in the circles I walk in are fairly open-minded and don't judge as
we all have our differing kinks. Some of my friends may make a comment in
jest, but really don't care. Many folks I know are pan-sexual &
open, so no one would really be shocked.”
He has not experienced any negative stigma, but at this
point he says, “I have no huge desire to seek out sex with women. I'm 50
years old and at this point in my life I would rather find one man and settle
down. So my focus is in a different direction.” But, he says, “Sexuality varies
widely. I think total Hetero/total Homo folks are rare. I
think most folks tend to lie somewhere more in the middle of the Kinsey
Scale. A label is just a word. I don't care what folks want to
call themselves nor who they want to fuck.”
He continues, “I know that times are changing and clubs like
Hellfire & MAFIA don't really know how to handle women wanting to
participate, but they NEED to get up to speed very soon. I
understand that some men would prefer that women not be present, but I think
the same goes in the opposite direction. HOWEVER, I think there are MANY
folks in the middle who would be more open to the genders mixing in fetish-play
environments. Perhaps different nights/parties should be set aside
for the benefit of all interests?”
He has one lament.
“One thing I've regretted in remaining exclusively gay is that I have
missed out on having children. I would have loved to have been a
Dad. But, I think that time has passed.”
***
“Chicago Gay Male”, who would prefer to remain anonymous,
says he has had sex with women before and after he came out. He says he’s “out” to some, but mostly he’s
quiet about it (his attraction to women).
C.G.M. elaborates, “To be honest, while I'm still attracted
to women, I rarely find an opportunity to act on it. I am so "culturally
gay" at this point, that it's almost a strange concept. My ex-husband,
whom I was with from 1995 - 2010, forbid women as part of our open relationship
(he felt threatened). However, given that my answer to question 12 is
"quite likely," maybe that will change.
**Question 12 was
tongue-in-cheek to lighten the mood of the questions, it was “’Wanna
fu@k?”
“I fingered a woman in The Hole at Jackhammer about 18
months ago while jacking her boyfriend off. That was really hot and I wanted to
fuck her, but her boyfriend said no. Add to this the fact that some people give
me a hard time about it, and I figure why bother.”
He says he’s experienced “just the casual snide remarks” from other gay men
about being sexually attracted to women.
In my earlier days it was that I was gay but holding onto "bi"
as a way of coping. More recently it's been rude comments about my being so
greedy I'm not just content to have all the boys, but I need to start moving in
on the women as well.
When asked if he’s been hesitant to approach women for fear
of being rejected because you are a gay man, he answered, “Not within the kink
community, but certainly outside of it.”
C.G.M. feels words like homoflexible and heteroflexible are “Just words. I hate
all words that create labels on us. It sounds like more psychobabble to me, but
sometimes we need definitions to describe events or tendencies. I'd like
something more organic feeling though, and dirtier.”
***
Dan Morrow aka Buhlou Bear, begins, “My first partner was my
wife, and later after I lost my first male lover I dated a married couple in Georgia. I have, to date, not found enough
commonalities to group myself with either sexual identity. I do not identify as
gay nor do I identify as straight, as I am neither. When asked, I am a lotta’
guilt free explorative fun, are ya’ curious?”
He laughs and says, “In regards to how others perceive me, I am strictly
Honey Badger, and Honey Badger just don't give a shit. Now, I was terrified, so
much to the point that I hid several secret lives at any given time. I was
southern Baptist/good Christian, straight/closet gay; after I came out I was
anti-church militant liberal gay/closet straight.”
He continues, “My discovery of polyamory upset my apple cart. When I stopped listening and started hearing,
started seeing, started feeling outside my insecurities. That was when I started
enjoying my animal, and enjoyed finding a partner's want or need.”
Dan told me he trends on the outskirts of the leather community, in the gay
community. He says, “I have encountered
a range of responses from blank looks to heated discussions regarding my sexual
proclivity. The resounding response to my apparent inability to fit neatly into
one specific sexual identity has been "I just need to fuck you, once I'm
done with you, you'll know what you what".
Thus far, this has been less affective as a defining moment than
previously indicated.”
When asked about fearing rejection by women he approaches who might know him
as a gay man, he says, “I’m not sure if I would say fear, but I generally do
not share a great deal about myself. I
know that I am not being totally honest, because of that I will not pursue an
intimate encounter.”
To him, “The terms homoflexible or heteroflexible feel like unnecessary
sexual rhetoric. More an attempt of
those who are attempting to explore themselves, but are uncomfortable with the
title "bi" due to a stigma.
Instead defining them selves in a new category and making them
terminally unique sexual pioneers, as we all know bisexuality is an
undiscovered country. These terms
insinuates an inherent need for a sociologic "out" for straight men
to continue assuring their masculine, as well as for gay men to avoid being
defined as undetermined in selection identification, thus circumventing
possible perceived judgments of behavior by peers and partners, past, present
and future. The fear of being ostracized
appears to be at the heart of the terminology.”
Dan says he has a few more thoughts he’d like to share, “ My definitions of
right and wrong, gay and straight, pain and pleasure blur and change like a
kaleidoscope the more I explore myself, the more I explore others. As I explore, I learn more of myself, I find
I have fewer ‘I cant’s’ in my daily life.”
He’s bold and answers the bonus, “I submit to explore that which pleases my
Mistress, with pure respect and clean trust, I am now as always your grateful
servant Miss Justice.”
***
Patrick Mulcahey says, “Yes, (I’ve had sex with women) many
times; mostly before I came out. But after my first couple of relationships
with men went south in a big way, I thought maybe I was confused, or bisexual,
or something, and started seeing women again; leading to two major affairs, one
catastrophic and awful, and one kind of fun (but only fun). “
On whether he is “out” in the gay community about his
involvement with women, he says “Certainly I'm forthright about my past
relationships with women. The last though was thirty years ago and I am not
looking for other partners, female or male.”
“While I don't hide the fact of past relationships with
women, or that I find many women attractive, I don't flirt or encourage
flirting. I've had memorable sexual intimacies with women, but as relationships
they didn't work. To me, sexual orientation is not about whom you have sex with
-- anybody can have sex with anybody, if you put your mind to it -- but about
whom you fall in love with. There are a lot of women I have loved and still
love, but that "in love" feeling only seems to be available to me
with another man. “
He adds, “My sexual make-up seems really difficult for people to grasp. (They say)” If you found sex with women fun,
why don't you do it anymore?" Well, because "fun" was a long-ago
preoccupation for me. I don't have sex for "fun" anymore. I have it
for connection, for love, for comfort, for other psychological needs I can't
name.”
I ask Patrick, “Are you afraid of being judged harshly by gay male peers if
your inclinations are known?” He said,
“No. Opposite-sex encounters are seen in a very different light in the men's
community than in the women's. There is still that lingering old stereotype
that only straight men are real men, so sleeping with women might up a guy's
perceived masculinity ranking. At the same time, it's true that it makes other
gay men a little wary of him. A lot of
gay men have had sex with women early in their lives. But then I can't say for
certain how I'd be perceived if I were still seeing female partners.”
***
Daniel Pierce says he’s almost been with a woman. “Almost. Does that count? I never had an
aversion to the idea and found breasts and vaginas to be beautiful. I just
happened to have opportunities to have sex with men. The opportunity (with a woman) never
presented itself and I have dated men since my late 20s. Before that I
dated some very nice women but things did not click.”
He says he’s “out” in the community about your
tendencies. “I am not ashamed of who I
am. When other gay men get all icky about women, I correct them. "What's
your problem, you came out of a vagina? Grow up!" and "What's so
gross about going down on a women, you rim don't you? Get over it." I just find those icky
attitudes very immature. Humans bodies are marvelous both sexes.”
He likes terms like heteroflexible and homoflexible, and
states, “Pansexual sometimes does not cover it.”
In regard to received negative judgments, Daniel muses, “I
have always said what other people think of me is mostly none of my
business. I have sometimes mentioned
that I might be bisexual but never had the opportunity to explore human
sexuality with a woman. I usually get that "icky" reaction like I
just mentioned the plague. It's so funny. You'd think gay men might be over
stuff like that. I think it's is so cool to see women out there mingling with
the boys. I really love seeing my
leather/BDSM sisters out there at IML, Campit, or a bar. We are only half
a family without our sisters and women who have done so much for us in the AIDS
Crisis. They stood by us when so much of society felt we were lepers, even if
we did not have AIDS.”
***
Russell has never had sex with a woman. He says, “Honestly, it’s been a matter of
timing and opportunity. I have had opportunities to try the other side of the
fence (quite a few girls in college told me in no uncertain terms that if I
wanted to experiment, to call them) but I just never have taken the Nestea
Plunge. The closest I ever came was a near miss after a college party... she
knew I was gay, and we both came close to jumping each other...but we started
giggling…went downhill from there.” He makes an addendum, “I’ve never denied my
tendency to look at the occasional sexy woman and think, hmmm, I wonder....It’s
ridiculous to hide it, in my view. Sexuality is sexuality.”
He has engaged in SDSM with a woman though, of that experience he tells,
“She was a dark haired temptress; she flogged me after MML. It was short,
because my emotional peaks from the weekend manifested rather quickly. She left
me quivering and tear soaked.... (It was wonderful.)
When asked, “Are you afraid of being judged harshly by gay male peers if your
inclinations are known?” Russell says,
“Not in the least. If they have a hang up, it is their issue, not mine.” He says he’s not personally experienced a
negative stigma about being sexually attracted to women but, “I know someone
who has... he actually had a three way with a husband and wife recently. He was ridiculed quite sharply for it.”
He doesn’t mind terms like homoflexible and heteroflexible. He says,” Labels are labels...if they are
used in a derogatory way, I take issue....if not, then no harm, no foul.”
Russell was a sport and also answered the bonus question. He replied, “Be gentle, or not. Just give me
a safety word....”
***
Master Z of Dallas
was exclusively with women until the age of 32.
He comments, “2 children (1 girl/1boy) as evidence...yay super
sperm! I am an equal opportunity sexual
person and use the expression that I have "lesbian tendencies" so if
I am attracted, sex is in the realm of possibility. I self-identify as gay and
if the horns are on, I will most likely look for a male to feast with. He says his recollection is that, “My last
sexual escapade with a female person was about 4 years ago. I did enjoy a sexual encounter with a FTM
about a year ago.”
He says he’s,” Totally out about my desire and ability to love and be sexual
with whoever I am attracted to and who might be attracted to me regardless of
genitals. I believe in being
transparent. As a Master to 5 slaves (3 het females and 2 gay males) plus Sir
to one boy, I can be nothing but transparent. They must know me as deeply as I
know them and hiding is not conducive to any relationship.”
When asked if he enjoys BDSM play with women, “I do...I do...I do...love
playing with women....sometimes more so than with men as they have been much
more expressive in play as bottoms. And, I love it when the female bottom seeks
permission to cum....very, very hot.”
Master Z is not in the least concerned about being judged negatively by gay
male peers. He asserts, “People can find
all kind of rocks to throw at my glass house and they are welcome to do it. As
a Buddhist, my ethical approach to life is to live in the current moment, to be
compassionate to all living things, and to not harbor anger, revenge or hurt
feelings about what others might do (and it ain't easy). That is their life and
mine is to only be willing to not have attachments to it. I have gay men in my life, including gay male
slaves who designate being ordered to have sex with a female person as a hard
limit. They are not against female energy, just sex with females. In some
instances, my male slaves have asked if I might have had a sexual encounter
with a female at an event and if I had, I tell them which squigs some of them
out. That's their stuff, not mine....LOL....and as a Sadist, it is sometimes
fun to play this head game with them. I
think my being a gay male is sometimes an attraction for het women. They
recognize that gay men have hot sex and I think they bask in that energy even
if they are not interested in actually becoming part of it.
“Terms are not a concern for me,” he says about homoflexible and
heteroflexible. “Even though I still am
attracted to female sexual energy, I call myself Gay rather that Bi or other
terms. Truth be told, as my slave kiki has said in workshops, "If Master
wants a blowjob from me he would get it, however I think a hot boy would be the
first person he would seek out.” And just sharing additional information, one
of my fetish delights is when a straight man is confident enough in his sexual
identity to participate in sex with me. That certainly doesn't make him gay,
and it makes me hot and hard.”
Master Z wraps up by saying, “Sex is a gift of the Creator, Universe or however
you believe life was given. I think all the hang-ups are about our personal
shit that has been influenced by family, religious, and societal prejudice.
Loving and being sexual with all genders adds to my life experiences and in no
way has been a negative. I think the message of being ok with all healthy
sexual activity and never using sex to hurt or malign another is the way to
go.”
***
Always when I write, I have my iPod playing.
The music flows with my thoughts and provides harmony in tackling tough
subjects. You know, I never planned on falling in love or having sex with gay
men. And, I’m sure that most of the men
who did what it took to come out of one closet, never planned on having to
re-examine their sexuality, some only to fight their way out of another
one.
As my summarizing thoughts are being digitally transcribed,
a Dead Can Dance song begins to play.
The name of the song was, ‘Fortune Presents Gifts Not According to the
Book’. The Pod always knows.
