A Stranger in All Lands

The inspiration for the writing occurred after viewing a mostly harmless cartoon on a good friend’s facebook wall.  It was a comic which portrayed a woman unhappy and nagging at a man because of his body odor; which is a blatant stereotype I hate, the woman as constant nag.  Of course then, the “natural” answer as drawn and presented is the man wising up and becoming homosexual, pairing off with a new stud, and living happily ever after.

                                                                                     

As you know, being gay is a choice, at least that’s what conservative Christians want you to believe.  But, isn't the mentality of “ditch the bitch and make the switch” just as ignorant?

There’s another popular photo circulated online; in it, a group of people are holding a poster which says, “Bigotry wrapped in prayer is still bigotry.”  By the same token, wouldn't sexism, racism, and homo/hetero phobia wrapped in humor still be sexism, racism, and homo/hetero phobia? 

I wanted to comment; and carefully considered to how to make and contradictory perspective without offending a friend.  He’s gay, as are most of our mutual friends.   I posted one word ‘Typical.” to hopefully stir conversation.  The same friend and another responded with the similar thoughts that this was just humor and perhaps I needed one.

I was sure my friend meant nothing malicious when he posted the comic drawing.  Though seeing and hearing that sort of rhetoric from someone I’m close to hurt.  Perhaps you think feeling hurt was an overreaction, but things are bit different when you’re a stranger in all lands.  As some of you probably understand from experience, you are usually on defense, or prepared to be at the drop of a hat. 

People who are a minority in the community they live in have a very different daily experience.  There’s an easy comfort in majority, the feeling that others around you are of similar gender, race, creed, sexuality, etc… people don’t always have the luxury of that experience.  Some people don't have any community where they are a majority. 

German political scientist, Elisabeth Noelle-Neumann originally proposed the idea of the “Spiral of Silence” in 1974.  This theory refers to the tendency of people to remain silent when they feel their views are in opposition to the majority view on a subject; Noelle-Neumann’s theory largely relies on the idea that the opinion must have a distinct moral component (i.e.: sexuality, abortion, legalization of marijuana), no one will experience the Spiral of Silence while considering what movie to see on a Friday night.

I witness heterosexuals being hateful to homosexuals; homosexuals being just as hateful right back, and the majority at the ends of the Kinsey scale pissed off at bisexual men.

I've read about straight parents who've experienced difficulty in conceiving or adopting try to create more adversity for gay and lesbian couples who hope to raise or adopt children who desperately need a family.  The flip side of that coin is being sneeringly called a “breeder”, when the two gay men next to me have children and I don’t. 

Sometimes I can make it through a bar night or event where myself and the people I am closely with are not asked pointedly (without precursor or pleasantries) about our sexuality, relationship, or gender.  I've heard gay men who have certainly lived through much discrimination make racist comments about black men.  Some straight people assume I am HIV positive because I widely associate with gay men and some gay men have convinced themselves I must secretly have a penis, because I’m dominant and had sexual relationships with gay men. 

Can you imagine having to debate simple decisions like which public bathroom you should use when you are transgender?  I have friends which deal with this daily.  To wonder which space you’re most likely to blend into, to hopefully create no stir.  And knowing you’ll probably create some ripples, no matter your choice?

I am a queer, Pagan, dominant, polyamorous, six-foot tall, leatherwoman who has earned her Master’s cover.  I have found no place where I blend… at least for long. 

                                                                                                    

In kindergarten, I was the freakishly tall kid in the back row. 

In grade school, I was still freakishly sized… and with an overbite. 

In high school, I was the only woman learning in the welding shop class, during my art period, with hopes of doing metal sculpture. 

As a twenty-one year old woman, becoming a long-haul truck driver, then as twenty-four year old woman, first making my way into the leather community, the roads haven’t been smooth.  I didn't set out to have a hard way and be different, I just was.  My mother will verify this.  I also pierced all my fingertips with ornamental jean jacket pins at eight-years old, but that’s another story. 

As an adult woman, I've lived with two men; one straight, one gay, and been romantically involved with both.  Most of my family and friends are gay leathermen. Trust me; one doesn't blend with straight society making those lifestyle choices.

I've earned my Master’s cover at age thirty-six, but I’m still often asked, “What are you doing here?”  Both lesbian leatherwoman and gay leatherman, have said, “Why would you be at a (gay) leather event when you’re a woman?”  The answer is simply, this is the community in which I can most identify. If I refrain from attending leather events, because I am the gender minority, I lose my community, the opportunity for charitable outreach, and precious good times with family, friends, and lovers.

I've heard from more diverse mouths then I can count statements about “staying with your own kind”.  I’ll be damned if I can figure out exactly what my kind is.  Where is the queer, Pagan, dominant, polyamorous, six-foot tall, leatherwoman box?

And if I’d happen to find that exact niche would I want to be exclusively with people exactly like me?  It would get pretty boring to be stuck in a box with others exactly like us, wouldn't it?

A week or so after the comic was posted online; I began a private dialog with my friends.  I didn't want this to affect a friendship, so I shared more of my perspective.  They shared theirs, and both sides worked to better understand the other.  I also talked about the fact of how I feel I always have to be ready to deflect bullets, to help protect myself and the people I love.  As they have the best vantage points, the wound is always deepest from the people whom you are closest to. Very fortunately, our friendship is intact.

Consider always being out of your element, and what it's like to live (in as much grace as possible) daily in that fashion. For all which is said in today’s society about bullying, equality in civil rights, inclusion, and things “getting better”; often we don’t really see when we’re hateful to our own kind.

My wish for today is that people be kind and understanding to the people of this world who don't fit in boxes.

Like me, and many others. 

I don't know what life would be like without the people I love who have recognized kindred in a stranger.   They are the tribe of family who see each other past the lines of race, gender, age, or sexuality; they are my family.   Blessedly, we can call each other our own.