The "F-Word", Vagina, & Penny Tration!

I'm gon’ testify here... This isn't in regard to any one person or instance, but if you know me well, you know it's one of the easiest ways to flip my trigger.
 
There is no part of my body which smells like fish.  I’m not a “fish”, nor am I “fishy”.  The only place I’ve experienced the regular use of this word is in the GLBT community, and have heard it used by both gay men and drag queens. 

  

I understand some of you might not have had direct experiences with one, but I’m here to tell you a healthy, clean vagina does not smell like fish.  (And guess what?  It doesn't taste like fish either!)

If there is a bacterial imbalance/infection present or if the natural PH levels in a woman’s body are elevated or lowered, a vagina can smell different than normal.Yes, our bodies have PH levels!  Who knew you’d get a health class today?  The vaginal pH fluctuates between 3.8 to 4.5 levels, slightly acidic. The normal, healthy vagina contains both good and bad bacteria. Normally, the healthy bacteria predominate and they keep the vaginal pH between 3.8 to 4.5 levels. High vaginal pH numbers indicate less acidity, while lower than normal vaginal pH levels indicate high acidity.

Regarding bacterial imbalances, many factors can contribute to the overgrowth of bad bacteria, including: pregnancy, menstruation cycle, improper hygiene during menstruation periods, stress, tight clothing, lingerie and lack of sleep. Other risk factors include a new sexual partner or multiple partners, use of antibiotics and more.  Also, if a woman has unprotected sex (with semen released in the vagina) and doesn't cleanse with water after, her body can pick up a more sea-like smell. If you know the circumstances, the fragrance is identifiable, but if you didn't know you would probably mistake it for “fishyness.”  It's the male and female which both contribute to these sex smells.

Be honest, it’s just between you and I…  How many of you have used this word in the past?
 
But to refer to women as “fish” or “fishy”, is derogatory and misogynistic.  And if you can't figure out why this might offend women, I'll provide a parallel.  To call a woman a fish is as derogatory and inaccurate as referring to a gay man as “poop” or “poopy”. Think about it.
 
I’ve heard this term often used by drag queens, entirely too often on RuPaul’s Drag Race.  I've loved RuPaul since the "Supermodel" days and watching his shows on Logo have been a guilty pleasure.  Unfortunately, Ru's opener to Untucked has become one snapper joke after another.  I'm almost ready to cease watching, because it has become so offensive.  The season opening episode of the Drag Race had the most "f-bombs" ever dropped on one episode, and I wonder if any of the people using it has ever stopped to consider the word.
 
In the latest episode, the derogatory words being discussed here were used over and over again.  One queen, CoCo Montrese, even sports a tacky home-made hat lettered with pink tape which says “FISH”.  Knowing what we all do about the sometimes harsh realities of life, I am surprised that an African-American gay man who is also a drag queen, would be so insensitive (or uninformed) that he would use such derogatory language toward another.  Educate yourself, Ms. Coco.  Hate isn’t humor.

I find it odd that drag queens/female impersonators would insult the ones they are impersonating: women.  Isn’t the saying, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”? 
 
I know one drag queen, a friend and a talented “people’s queen” would give me the “T” if I asked her.  I first met her at The Cabaret located above Below Zero Lounge in Cincinnati.  I always enjoy seeing her perform; she’s entertaining, looks great, and is just as loving and respectful to her audience as they are to her.

So, who did I call?  Penny Tration!

Lady:  "Grrrrrrrrrrrl... I wonder if you'd have the time to lend your opinions to my blog.  The questions I'd like your input in regard to is the noun "fish" or adjective “fishy" to define a woman or a feminine, “passable” drag queen."

Penny:  "Totally! For you?? Are you kidding me?? LOL ABSOLUTELY."

Lady:  "Speaking of the Race, how was your experience there?"

Penny:  "The race - my overall experience has been great. Filming was like boot camp for drag. It was much more physically demanding than I expected."

Lady:  "If you could have done anything differently in your time on the Race, what would it have been?"

Penny:  "I wouldn't do anything different other than maybe forget the rules and just do my thing. Seems the rules are less relevant than the outcome on this show."

Lady:  "Have you ever used the words "fish" or adjective "fishy" to define a woman or a passable, feminine, drag queen?  If yes, have you ever considered it to be derogatory?"

Penny:  "My quick answer is, I HATE THAT TERM! I think there is something inherently misogynistic about drag anyway and we have to tread very lightly around those topics. I think calling someone "fish" is just too offensive for my taste. I get what they're trying to say and it's supposed to be a compliment...but I doubt that it is."

Lady:  "Ever played "F-Marry-Kill"? Which of the contestants would you have "f'ed-married-or killed"?

Penny:  "LOL - I’ve never played that game. I can tell you that I made a life-long friend in Detox - she is amazin'."

SEX

There is a school of thought which suggests society shifted from matriarchy to patriarchy when men figured out they had a hand in conception.  Well, it really wasn’t a hand in the matter, but you get my point.

Etymologically, according to the OED, the word matriarchy is first attested in 1885, building on an earlier matriarch, formed in analogy to patriarch, already in use in the early 17th century

To be clear, I don’t feel that women are superior to men.  What I do hope for is equality in many realms, one of them being open sexual expression without negative judgment from peer and society. 

As a young woman, I was given the silent treatment for a month by my father; he had noticed a love bite on my neck, and he felt the cold shoulder would punish me.  My brother on the other hand, could bring girls home to have loud trysts with them; once during family dinner, headboard Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Banging away on the dining room wall.  Boys will be boys, you know.

Celts, which had settled all over Europe by 400BC, display a history that the power of women was reflected not only in myth and legend but in legal codes pertaining to marriage, divorce, property ownership, and the right to rule.  Neither virginity nor being chaste was a determining factor in her civil rights or her worth; it was enough to be a female member of society. 

Consider all the aeons which have passed and we find ourselves in 2013, where hymenoplasty (Hymenorrhaphy) or hymen reconstruction surgery can be purchased all over the globe for about $3000US, so women can continue to satisfy and placate men who believe only a virgin has worth and is worthy of loving. 

My mother needed a hysterectomy in the late 1980’s for medical purposes, even though her uterus has prolapsed by the point; she still needed a “permission slip” from my father before the Catholic doctor would operate.  Can you imagine the uproar if a man needed permission from his partner for a vasectomy?

Women in certain Middle Eastern societies and some Orthodox Jewish cultures are still considered chattel; chattel status is modified at times to only include sexual and reproductive rights that are owned by husbands.

More so than ever before, young women are overtly sexualized in the media, fashion, and in advertising.  In 2011, Prada used a 13 year old model in a sensual 80 second preview of their fall/winter collection and we’ve all been assaulted at some point with “Toddlers & Tiaras”.  Have you been shopping in a children’s clothing department lately?  The next time you’re in a convenient place to do so, make a visual comparison between the styling of boy’s and girl’s clothing.  I believe you’ll be surprised. 

Currently, in radio public service announcements before prom season, young women are encouraged to abstain from sex.  No mention of young men or a recommendation for men to refrain is ever made. 

So what are young women being shown and told?  To dress provocatively but also to remain chaste; isn’t that a mixed message?  Or, is everything ok as long as you’re a woman conforming to “traditional” male desires?

Here’s part of a dialog with a 27-year old straight male submissive from San Francisco who e-mailed me recently.

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:18 AM:  You really want me to share with you the thoughts I’ve been jacking off to while I was looking at your pictures?  Well it's going to sound silly if I tell you.

LadyJustice:   You brought it up, and I asked because I was curious.  I’m not seeking to judge and I most likely won’t be scandalized.

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:28 AM:  Well... Don't be offended please.  Just laugh.  I really want to massage your calves.  They look so nice.   I have jacked off twice to your pics so far.  The first time was imagining you covered in baby oil bending me over in front of a room full of people.  The second time was very soon after so I needed more to cum.  And I imagined you sucking a big black cock. To illustrate to me what a total woman you are and to humiliate me. Staring me in the eyes while you did so.

LadyJustice:  Well, I see….. LOL. You’ve cum twice already… since 11:45?

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:35 AM:  Yes!  I haven't a lot of discipline when I get caught up into a woman.  My only consoling thought is that I am not predatory.  I am driven my submissive compulsions. And thank God for that because I would not want to be a destructive horndog you know?

LadyJustice:  Ok, we’ve determined you’re a horndog.  What else do you like people to know about you?

trancemusic40 on 1/16/13 at 12:35 AM:  I like cuddling too.  I like spending time with somebody I love.  Spiritually speaking, I need to be spending my time with a woman that is smart. It is very important to me to be with a woman that knows what makes her happy and isn't living a life filled with conflict or heavy drug dependency, anything like that.

Sexually speaking, I need discipline and I need to be locked up in a chastity device.  I need to be under a strong woman's control.  I like being a bit of a wolf.  You know how gay dudes can do the bear thing or whatever.  I would like to be a bit like that but you know.  Not gay. haha.  I guess I am turned on by being masculine but feeling slightly spent, in a feminine way. Like greased and sensual.  I dunno. Vulnerable.  I like the sides and back of my head to be buzzed up like they are right now too.  Like a butch thing I guess.

I also love your butt and your calves and your hair.  And your face.  I want to curl up to you tonight.  I'd be like a pathetic yippity dog next to you.  Whatever you wanted.

 

LadyJustice:  Thanks for sharing more.  Some interesting thoughts and… cuddling is good!  But, California is some distance away.  Are you ever in or relocating to Ohio?

trancemusic40 on 1/17/13 at 2:08 AM:  Well… you have a primary partner already?  I dunno.  Ohio.  I do want you though.  I want you terribly. Want to smell you.

LadyJustice:  Yes, as I shared earlier, I am polyamorous woman.  There are people in my life whom I love and who are not going anywhere.  Wait a minute…LOL… I thought you were fantasizing about sexual situations involving me and multiple men?

trancemusic40 on 1/17/13 at 2:13 AM;   I wouldn't give up my life to just be one of your guys.  I mean, what if your partner had a problem with me?  Where would I sleep?

The thought of being in a cuckold relationship with you as your primary partner is appealing.   Such is life though, I guess.

I’m not saying that trancemusic40 (not his exact screen name) is a bad guy, or that he’s ignorant.  Some of his comments scratched the intelligent surface and I believe from the way he words things, he’s a smart guy.  I’m wondering though if he’s ever fully considered his views on modern, dominant women who are sexually progressive and choose to define what works for them.  Even if it’s not necessarily what a man might traditionally idealize. 

I wonder if what he verbalized displayed genuine confusion about his own fantasies, or a disappointing, surprisingly common tendency for some modern men to still believe they can/should control a woman’s sexuality. 

Early on in the conversation he commented he wanted me covered in baby oil “bending him over" in front of a room full of people and then for me to fellate a “BBC” while I stare him in the face.  I don’t judge his fantasies; we all have them.  But when I attempted to guide the chat back to notions of reality in regards to knowing each other:  location, my needs, dynamic, etc… he is reminded I am in a relationship, but he “dunno”.  He says, “I wouldn't give up my life to just be one of your guys.”

It was ok for me to be with multiple unknown sexual partners when it came to his desires, but thoughts of entering into a polyamorous relationship, seemed to inspire an instant deal breaker.  He even went as far as to suggest it would be appealing for me to leave my loving relationships, to enter into a new relationship with him where he would be cuckolded.  His scenario = his control.  You might be surprised to learn this perspective is common with submissive men.  From what I have gathered over the years, it’s more natural for them to envision locking a dominant woman into a white picket fence fantasy, or to be perfectly content with cheating on their significant other with said dominant.  Yes, cheating is acceptable, but being with a woman involved with more than one man intimately isn’t. 

In unsolicited e-mails from heterosexual submissive males (and dominant males), I’ve been chastised for being polyamorous, and been accused of not being able to love.  Surely I am flawed and lacking because I cannot choose monogamy and enjoy sexual intimacy with just one. 

Individuals from GLBT and leather/BDSM, etc…subcultures can even view women like me in a negative, skewed fashion.  Once a dear friend and fantastic bootblack, Gabriel, sought to introduce another bootblack friend of his, “HJ” (who is a gay man) to me at an event; Gabriel made the introductions and commented he was surprised we had not made each other’s acquaintance yet.  “HJ’s” first words to me were, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, you’re the one that fucks all the hot guys.”

How does one respond to that politely during an introduction?  Poor Gabriel was mortified.  Goddess bless my Mexican-American homie, JC, for his quick witted reply of, “Only the hot Latin ones!!!!”

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret here. 

I’ve been sexually intimate with three men in the past year. 

That’s it…. just three.  There’s a picture of the three of them together on facebook.  You’ll have to figure that one out for yourselves though. 

Right now, I am involved in separate relationships with two amazing men whom I respect, love, and cherish…. just two.  (I’ll be writing more on polyamory soon.) 

The moral of this story?  Just because I am sexual, empowered, and independent thinking, it doesn’t mean I am a easy.  And, double standards suck.  It’s time to put the antiquated notions about men and women’s sexuality to bed.