Drop the Strap-On (And Back Away From the Silicone Chock Full Of Misogyny)

I wonder at times if I am the only one who feels this way. 

Take a look at current kink networking sites, or many Tumblr feeds about dominant woman and that’s the majority of what you see, women naked or wearing fetish attire with strap-on dildos receiving the predominant focus in the photo.  Most of them overly huge and impractical for penetration with most, which makes me chuckle the same as I do when I see a single man driving aggressively in a chromed-out Hummer or pick-up truck with vanity plates.  Overcompensate much?

The bigger the cock, the more uber of a dominant you must be; well, maybe if you also believe “the higher the hair, the closer to God”.

I’m not here to say what you’re doing is wrong if you enjoy strap-on play. 

If this is your kink, giving or receiving, do your thing.  These are my only my opinions and I own them. I get off on respectful discussion though, so thank you in advance if you want to indulge me. 

For many years, in inquiries from or early discussions with male submissives they are often under the impression dominant woman only have sex with a dildo strapped on.  I blame porn.  I find that many in the modern age of kink receive early exposure to porn and due to fears about being “out” exist on a daily diet of it for years.  (Which also leads to non-consensual objectification; don’t get me started on that.)   I wonder why these gents believe I wouldn’t give pleasure and receive pleasure with my own woman’s body.  To them I oft reply, “I have a perfectly good pussy.  Why wouldn’t I use it?”

By the same token, if you are a man who enjoys prostate stimulation, go for it.  While I don’t have penis envy, a prostate gland would be something fun to have. 

 

Strap-ons are a common theme in fetish porn; “dominant” women pose and peacock about while wearing them.  A woman using a dildo on a man is often marketed as “sissification”.  (Does enjoying anal stimulation make you automatically a sissy?  Many men I know would certainly beg to differ.)  During penetration she always growls degrading phrases to the “bitch” receiving.  Degradation is another theme popular in both vanilla and kinky pornography.  (And, again if consensual degradation is your thing, do it.  I enjoy elements of it myself.)  While my knowledge of porn is my no means wildly expansive, women receiving many different forms of humiliation are rampantly available, but I’ve never seen a woman wearing a strap-on dildo in a place of humiliation.  

Consider if you would, these things in regard to the use of strap-ons, D/s, and gender stereotypes: 

Top:  You’re playing into the misogynistic notion you need a penis/phallus to be dominant. 

Bottom:  You’re perpetrating the antiquated stereotype if you enjoy being penetrated you are weak and that being penetrated is an act of humiliation which makes you the “bitch”. 

I purchased my first harness just a few years back, to pleasure a lover and I was happy to accommodate him and his desires.  The thought of using the strap-on never evoked feelings of dominance because of that one item alone.  Being dominant doesn’t forfeit me the right or the ability to be a considerate lover and at heart I will always be a lover.  If we can please each other with toys and dildos, I am all for it.  Kinky sex is the shit. 

D/s and S&M arouse me intensely. When I am engaging in BDSM play with someone I am intimately and emotionally involved with, sex is how I usually want to wrap it up.  Consider it my aftercare. 

I love being fucked.  And gasp… I even have “vanilla sex” and make love.  After we’ve shared pleasure I will want to be close, quiet, and touching you gently, laughing at the process of deciding what we’re hungry for now, or deciding to go again.  Those truths don’t make me less of a dominant; they make me true to myself. 

Some know I have had sexual relationships with men who self-identify as gay.  When most hear that they will jump to the conclusion I was fucking them with a strap-on dildo while the fact of the matter is I have never used a strap-on dildo to penetrate a gay man.  I imagine you can figure out the sexual logistics from there. 

I have spent so much time in my life fighting to exist as a woman in a man’s world, I feel strongly about forfeiting the overtly feminine aspects of myself. 

I was a little girl who loved visiting my father’s garage with two gas pumps out front, who became a high school student with an aptitude for art who was the only girl placed in the welding shop to learn a new skill to create with metal.  I was the young woman who became a truck driver at twenty-one, who wore make-up daily and constantly had to watch her ass because everyone else was.  I fought off two attempted rapes.  I grew into the woman who earned a Master’s cover in the leather community at the age of thirty-seven (while owning pink leather and wearing open-toed shoes and lipstick in the leather bar) which wasn’t easy.  

In closing I want to reiterate I’m not here to invalidate anyone’s fetish or desires, or to start a ban on strap-ons.  Nor, do I regret my purchase of one, but I do believe much of the imagery and fantasy built around them does perpetrate stereotypes many of us work hard to overcome. 
 

Moral of my story:  I haven’t worked this hard in my life to fight gender stereotypes and live a life true to myself to not enjoy my own body.  

And, Prince didn’t write the song “Pussy Control” for nothin’.

As always, thanks for reading.